January 30th, 2010
There is no doubt that some curious shit goes on during pornographic sex scenes. From devastatingly deep blowjobs, to excruciating boob smacking; no one can question the slimy array of animalistic shit that unfolds minutes into a sex scene. However, with all the curve balls that get thrown your way during a clip, nothing is more alien than when a woman ‘whaters’.
Whatering, colloquially known as squirting or gushing, refers to the expulsion of noticeable amounts of clear fluid by human females during or before orgasm. I have never experienced this for myself; and for some reason I don’t think it is because of any lack of effort on my part. I do not believe that all females are born with the ability to whater. Rather it is the job requirement used to seperate porn actresses from normal women. I mean, what the fuck is it? It’s not piss….right? I don’t think a guy has more of a right to say “What the Fuck?!” than during his first experience with the whater. The phrase “What the Fuck?!” was originally developed exclusively to give guys something to say when this happens to them for the first time. (Need a Moment? Grab a Snickers.)
My question is this…Can civilian women whater? Is it an accomplishment if you get a girl to whater? Personally I think it is bitter-sweet. I mean, you get her to orgasm and then she soaks you in the fucking whater. It’s like playing Nickolodeon’s Slime Time. Yeah you won the game, but you also got pie’d in the face, kicked in the sack and covered in slime. Congratulations.
January 30th, 2010
Green Day: "We dress so gay that it would make you gay for making fun of us."
Who is getting excited when the song “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” comes on the radio? Not hypothetically…literally. The tune is more ‘homosexual’ than Scott and Todd in the morning; yet it gets more airtime than Sasha Grey in heat. What does the guy look like who is still getting a steady rise out of this song? The guy who is sitting in a car and says, “Holy shit dude, ‘Boulevard Of Broken Dreams’ is on, turn that shit up!” Not only is it overplayed, but it is depressing. I get it, you walk alone, your suicidal; don’t drag me into it. Green Day is the lost soul of the band Green Day, recovering from revelation.
I imagine that everyone has their own idea of what song(s) define a good radio station. And that is the reason I don’t understand satellite radio. They have an unlimited number of stations to broadcast on, yet most people listen to a whole (3) of them. Let’s say you listen to: Classic Vinyl, Hip Hop Nation, and Sirius Hits 1. I don’t understand why they can’t have (15) different Classic Vinyl stations each playing a different classic rock playlist. As it is now, they have one station for each category of music playing (1) play list that I have heard ninety times. Ditch the DJ and add a play list. Hint, Hint….no body fucking cares about DJ’s on a music station. Talk radio is for talk, music stations are for music. There is a fucking clown show going on upstairs at Sirius/XM. A bunch of pencil-neck pillow-bitters scanning the airwaves for the Boulevard Of Broken Dreams and some ass-cream. The Boulevard Of Broken Seams hunting down bi-polar teens.
January 19th, 2010
Dude got handcuffed & horse-ravaged out of the Chargers’ stadium for cheering for the Jets. Nothing more/nothing less. He got malled for that simple Jets chant. If a simple Jets chant puts you in cuffs, is it safe to assume that Fireman ED was gunned down by the San Diego police early in the first half? Step back and look at this arrest: it is an unchecked vigilante assault. These weren’t San Diego police officers. They were San Diego Chargers fans who happened to be on the clock during a heartbreaking loss. Believe me, I was a Jets/Yankees fan living in New England. There would have been nothing I would have rather done during the 2004 MLB playoffs than to throw on a blue uniform and lay a government-endorsed beating on fanatic chowder heads.
I guess that it really boils down to a simple point…..people from California are pussy. They need a badge to muzzle the bark of the underdog. It was something civilian fans didn’t want to deal with.
And when people question cops, why do the cops always ask if the person wants to “take it outside”? The term “Let’s Take It Outside” is used to initiate a fist fight. You are not allowed to fist fight cops. Therefore cops say this in the public in order to “appear” like a tough guy who is willing to fist fight people. This is the same exact move that chicks pull in arguments with men. When a girl screams at a guy “Just Hit Me Then“, she yells this because guys can’t hit girls without moral and legal repercussions. Guys can’t hit girls; civilians can’t fight cops. Therefore when cops say “Let’s Take it Outside”, they are the equivalent to girls in distress. Can’t argue logic.
In Related News:
January 12th, 2010
Created by ChrisGaldi.com
Mark McGuire has finally come out of the closet on his steroid use. Of course this came as no more of a surprise than when Lance Bass came out. Yet when the tears and remorseful facade demolish, is anything still standing in what was once the historic career of “Big” Mac?
Mark Mcguire had 70 homeruns in 1998. There is not a single steroid on Big Mac’s dollar menu that could allow me to hit 70 homeruns. Why didn’t Jose Canseco, Manny Ramirez and “Pap My Pussy” Ortiz hit 70 homeruns on the sauce? Answer: because McGuire was a much better player.
Mark McGuire called up Roger Marris’ widow this morning in tears to apologize to her for breaking her husbands record. Wait…who is this?…Mark who?….I can’t hear you; your crying….Mark McGuire?….I have Alzheimers…Go Fuck Yourself Sir, and stop calling me
Senator Waxman (below) made a statement about McGuire’s confession:
“Mark’s confession was very honorable. He is setting a good example to all young athletes.”
First of all what the fuck is up with this guy’s nose? I have seen his face flash on-and-off television in the past, but I never cared enough to jot down his name. I am finally able to put a name to that nose. How does this guy become a senator? If this dude doesn’t look like an ass kisser I don’t know who does. Plus he looks exactly like the cowardly lion…
How is Mark McGuire setting a good example by confessing to steroid use, as Senator Waxman has said? That confuses me a little bit. Wouldn’t his confession confirm that steroids give you divine strength and fame? If he continued lying and saying that he didn’t use steroids then children would think that you can hit 70 homeruns with natural strength. Hhaa…I just said “70 homeruns with God given strength”. This Michell Report and National Jury condemning steroid use was the grandest marketing effort for the sale of steroids in the history of the drug.
January 8th, 2010
Washington DC — Question 9 on the 2010 U.S. Consensus form reportedly asks about race, with one of the answers listed as “Black, African American, or Negro”.
For many blacks, the word negro conjures visions of segregation and slavery. However, I do not understand what the fuss is all about. Blacks, African Americans, and Negros are (3) characteristically distinct groups:
African American
Negro
Black
What bothers me is checking off that I am a fucking Caucasian. I don’t even know what that means. I have simply been trained to select that box when I encounter it. It makes me feel like a pale Asian guy. The last thing my morale needs before getting off a plane in Mexico is to tell immigrations that I am a Caucasian. It’s the term they use to describe really generic white Americans. I’d rather check off “Gineau Dego” before selecting Caucasian. At least it would leave my form with a sense of character and distinction; rather than a tongue-tied angle of calling myself a run-of-the-mill pale white guy. So ‘Negro’? Shit, I’ll check off ‘Negro’. At least it will score me some tail.
December 21st, 2009
Ingredients
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Johnnie Walker
2 cups of dried fruit
Instructions
1) Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
2) Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
3) Repeat.
4) Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5) Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
6) Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.
7) Turn off the mixerer.
#8) Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9) Turn on the turner.
10) If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
11) Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
12) Next, sift two cups of salt.
13) Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your work.
14) Add one table.
15) Add a six spoon of sugar.
16) Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.
17) Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.
18) Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
19) Throw the bowl through the fucking window.
20) Who the fuck is a Christams Cake?
December 21st, 2009
Brittany Murphy, the actress who appeared in such films as “Clueless” and “8 Mile,” died Sunday, apparently of natural causes, the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office said. She was 32.
With the news of another celebrity death, people begin flooding social networking sites immediately creating RIP Brittany Murphy pages; and fresh Brittany Murphy in Death Twitter accounts. The “RIP Brittany Murphy” Facebook group includes posts such as:
We have now reached a massive 75,000 members! It has also been reported that Brittany died of ‘natural causes.’ If this is to be found true, atleast we know she passed in no pain.
Death is the most serious shit that could happen to a human. But these people who act like they are some how emotionally connected to Brittany Murphy’s death; are in reality emotionally detached from themselves. If you sat down and cried when Brittany died, you were actually crying about another aspect of YOUR life. Perhaps reflecting back on what YOUR life was like back in 1996 when the Clueless movie was released.
These celebrity mourners are unstable weirdos. How has Brittany Murphy’s death affected YOUR fucking life? She doesn’t star in movies. I mean she played a minor role in “8 Mile”. You can’t actually be sad that the voice of Luanne on “King of the Hill” will have to be replaced? However, if you truly are an avid “King of the Hill” fan, then you are the only group permissible to mourn Brittany Murphy, and miss the sweet voice of Luanne.
You might be saying, “Oh Chris, show some fucking sympathy!” When I start showing sympathy for the people in the local obituaries is when I will show sympathy for Brittany Murphy. Shouldn’t we first mourn the people who live near us, before we mourn Brittany Murphy of California?
And what is this Bullshit about her dying of natural causes at the age of 32? Humans don’t die naturally at that age. If my car died after having it for (2) years, I would want to know what happened to it. If the dealer just said, “Oh yeah, well it was old, it died naturally.” I would tell him to go fuck himself and take the manufacturer to court.
December 21st, 2009
December 21st, 2009
The benefits from dumping you spare change into a cup at the end of each day are immeasurable. Well; maybe not immeasurable, but probably equal to about $15 a month (~$.50/day). That $15/month multiplied by 12 months is equal to $180 a year. That’s like (2) rub-and-tugs worth of quarters. Although I know that saving change has clear benefits, every now and then I go a few months without using a change cup. Over this period of time I save NO change. But where the fuck does it all go? Because I’m not throwing it into garbage cans.
Let’s hypothetically say that I went without a change cup for (3) months. That’s three months worth of change that is NOT in a change cup. That’s about $45 ($15/month*3 months) worth of change. $45 of change is 180 quarters. That’s a solid amount of quarters. Yes, a lot of my change ends up in the cup holder of my car, but that’s usually like 20 coins, no where near 180. If I took three months worth of a change cup and splashed it on my bedroom floor, it would create quite the mess. But that mess never exists. So I’ll ask again, where the fuck does all the change go?
A logical answer would be that we take the change and dump it into tip cups. Not because we were satisfied with the Dunkin Donuts service, but rather we subconsciously don’t want to sound like a retarded child on allowance throughout the day. I sure hope this isn’t the case. That would mean over a 80 year lifetime I am tipping odd-ball workers a sum of $14,400. ([$.5/ day] *[30 days] * [12 months] * [80 years]). Fuck Me.
December 14th, 2009
I am starting to get into watching the “Jersey Shore” shit-show on MTV. I mainly started watching it because of the media attention that it has attracted. I want to make one thing clear: Anyone that says the show is a disgrace to the Jersey Shore, or Italian-Americans; is in fact a guido themselves. The only people from Jersey who are insulted by this show are guidos.
There is now a Facebook group called People from New Jersey DO NOT act like ” MTV’s Jersey Shore” cast!!! The fucking group has 27,000 members. I am betting it is the same 27,000 people that tune into MTV every week and watch on the edge of their seats in Ed Hardy gear. They are obviously upset because they are jealous they were not cast to be on the show.
Member Of Facebook Group: People from New Jersey DO NOT act like " MTV's Jersey Shore" cast!!!