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Keyboard Dusting Girl

PORTER RANCH, Calif. (KTLA) — A 14-year-old honors student died this week after inhaling computer keyboard cleaner, authorities say.  The US Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration’s 2013 National Survey on Drug Use and Health reported over 22.8 million persons had used inhalants, such as keyboard duster.

How is keyboard duster inhalation still a big problem in America?  And I don’t mean “why do people struggle with duster abuse“.  I get it:  it’s a cheap high and it fucks you up; if anything I would expect more people to do it.  What I don’t understand is how is it a problem removing this shit from the shelves of Walgreens and getting it out of the hands of the kids?

dusterTwo major questions immediately come to mind when it comes to keyboard duster:  How dirty is your fucking keyboard that you need pressurized gasses ripping through the clevises to blast out your Dominoes crumbs, eyelashes and dandruff?  No, seriously.  You can’t just use, say, your fucking mouth and gravity?  Blow on it and shake that fucker upside down, your gross face-goo will fall out.  But no, instead people create a demand for duster by going to their stores and spending $7.00 on a can.  The minimum wage in America is $7.25; that means the majority of people creating the demand for duster are willing to work for an hour in order to get the convenience of blasting their disgusting keyboard clean with the click of a button instead of using their mouth and gravity.  A convenience that indirectly leads to children dying.

And my second question: why are they filling these fucking cans with gaseous heroine?  You’re telling me there is NO alternative compressed air other than gaseous meth we can sell to these slobs with full meals under their keys?  Nothing?  They can’t just stuff a bunch of atmosphere into a can, they also have to sneak in a little oxygenated oxycontin in order to make it work?  If simply blowing on your keys can’t get the crumbs out then get a new fucking keyboard you slob.  Kids are dying here; and for what end game  - keyboard cleaning convenience?  What a trivial product to waste lives on.

Imagine pitching this product today, if it never existed.  Imagine going into the Wallgreens headquarters and explaining to the CEO that you have a sweet new product he should sell in all his stores.  The downsides of the product are that it costs $7.00, and will hurt/kill millions of children.  But  the the upside is that you no longer have to blow on your keyboard to clean it, you can just hit a button!

Disclaimer:  If you ban keyboard duster people will find an alternative – like sniffing paints and glues.  But at least paints and glue have a logical purpose for existing.  They have measurable benefits, duster is poison without a purpose (it needs to go).

kiper – “The Jets are a glorified expansion team.”

- Mel Kiper Jr

The Jets are a “glorified expansion team” just like Mel Kiper Jr’s haircut is a glorified raccoon pelt.  A question….ESPN lets Kiper Jr speak outside of April?  I’m not joking, is he contractually allowed to speak about anything other than the draft?  I thought they kept him holed up in a log like Punxsutawney Phil until draft month.  He is a novelty account.  A crestfallen crown with opinions.  No wherewithal.

What’s funny about Kiper calling the Jets a “glorified expansion team” is the fact that Kiper is the sole reason the Jets suck.  He single-handedly named Vernon Gholston “the best pick of the ’08 draft”.  What about Ray Rice in the 55th spot?  What about Matt Ryan you fucking idiot?  If the Jets drafted Ray Rice instead of Gholston in ’08 they win the Superbowl TWICE: 2010 and 2011 (the same years they made the AFC championship).  The sole reason they didn’t is because Kiper built up enthusiasm around Gholston, the Jets bit the bait, and now the Jets are paying the consequences; Kiper isn’t.  I just can’t believe Kiper Jr has the balls to come out of his groundhog log and dish a dig??  If Mel Kiper Junior was anything like Mel Kiper Senior, he would never speak publicly and do society a favor.


 The WWF wrestler Kane could have potentially passed away several times in the last 15 years, and no one would really have known because of the consistent mask.

You can actually say that about anyone who steadily wears a mask, but Kane in particular has a high potential for death.  For instance; if someone asked you who you think would pass away first: Kane, or George Clooney…..Kane is a heavy favorite, -$6500?  Both are successful actors, you know nothing about either, yet it is kind of assumed that Kane has passed away before, or could die at any second.  I don’t think I’m off base here.  The WWF is filled with very strong, self-assured acrobats who dabble in fictional assault.  The only thing that keeps a guy like Kane out of a remote prison is artificial-happiness generated through the cheers and jeers of a stadium crowded with brazen virgins.  What does the guy behind Kane do on Christmas Eve?  On a Tuesday off?  You think he just chills?  You think Aaron Hernandez doesn’t shoot people in his off season?  NFL players, WWF wrestlers, goons, goblins, hot chicks, and friends of the aforementioned all hurt others in their free time.  They are alpha, hence their success.  Every morning I wake up I pray to the Statistical God that I don’t cross paths with the current Kane actor, I like my neck unsnapped just as much as Vince McMahone likes his current Kane actor unstable and preying.


Yea, the bald guy above just “grew that hair”, more likely he passed away and was replaced


People who claim to like the book version more than the movie version of anything disgust me. It’s usually the same weirdos that say they like United Kingdom’s version of “The Office” more than Steve Carell’s. People make these claims just to sound exclusive.  It is the same batch of hipsters who refuse to eat their rice with a fork, and insist on using chopsticks.  You can’t eat rice with chops sticks…it just isn’t practical.  It is also not practical to enjoy reading a fucking book over watching an epic movie. Do you know why The Passion of Christ did so well in the box office? Because it blows The Bible out of the water.

If I say to someone that I just saw a movie and loved it; replying back to me that “the book was much better“, is an inappropriate response. It’s like if a smoker asks a stranger for a lighter, and they respond “I don’t smoke”.  That wasn’t the question fucker.  I asked if you had a lighter, not a nicotine addiction.  To be honest you look like the type who would get-off on burning your ball hair – just lend me the lighter you use for that.

Is this the only picture of this guy?

Is this the only picture of this guy?

Associated Press – The US government has charged Edward Snowden with espionage and theft for revealing government documents

Why is everyone mad at the NSA for spying, who cares?  I’d rather them read my Facebook status’s if it means no terrorist attacks in New York.  What do you think is more likely:  That not a single person wanted to attack NYC in the last 12 years?  Or that the NSA thwarted hundreds of attacks through spying?

If the NSA wasn’t spying how would they stop terrorists?  By NYC patrolmen randomly stopping terrorists jaywalking and then legally searching their book bags to consistently find pressure cookers minutes before the attacks?  The odds of doing that once are a million-to-one.  Now think about how there have been ZERO attacks in NYC since 9/11, zero – this is because they are spying on us.  Didn’t everyone just assume that this is going on?  I assume anything I type online can be read by the government – call me a sucker when it comes to privacy but I like having both my legs in tact.  Death is a high price to pay in order to safeguard some hipster’s Instagram feed.  If I am doing something illegal I do what every criminal does, I go into the ocean and speak to my associate in person – no wires.  Anyone who complains about the NSA spying most likely never does anything illegal, they are probably just frustrated that there is a permanent record of the weird porn they watch.

And this guy Snowden looks like a potential terrorist himself.  I think his life sucked and he was either going to blow up an embassy himself, or reveal the government’s secrets – he was craving infamy.  This guy was a ticking time-bomb looking for fame, and he was ready to blow.


A “hard” right is somewhere in between 25° and 70° degrees.

Goblin SharkRetarded Man-Shark

Goblin Shark

I don’t believe in witches or curses, but this shark looks like a man who was turned into a shark by a witch as a punishment.  It is a retarded man-shark.  What do you know about retarded man-sharks?  Up until today I didn’t know jack about them because Shark Week has been keeping them a goddamn secret.  They look like Jewish accountants with bad breath.  If this shark surfaced and started speaking coherent English I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.  The conversation and breath would be unbearable, but you could definitely ask the retarded man-shark a few questions.  Why do you live -3,000 feet below sea level?  When is the last time you chewed a stick of gum?  How much do you charge to roll over my IRA?

I’d like to imagine that these puerile predators just mope around half a mile below the surface in perpetual search for their car keys…

An example of a retarded man-shark conversation at -3,000 ft:
“What are you doing today Thed?” 

“Looking for my keys again I can’t find them.”

“Did you check your desk, you always leave them on your desk?”

“Checked my desk.  Do you want to go out for lunch and eat some oatmeal with really long spoons?”

“No Thed, I’m all good.”


Emma Watson Looks Exactly Like Lana Del Rey

So I’ve been hearing the name Lana Del Rey come up a lot, she’s a singer who belts out girly jams like it’s her job – well actually it is her job.  Naturally, I Googled her name to see if she was hot, and as projected she is.  In the year 2013 you don’t get to the top with just good pipes, you need to have that look that screams “yeah I am a good singer, but I will still make-out with random guys if the opportunity presents itself“.  Regardless, when I finally Googled image searched Del Rey, I get presented with a matrix of “Emma Watson” pictures.  Figuratively, I literally spit out my iced coffee in shock – the two girl look exactly the same.  How can anyone stand in front of me and argue that Emma Watson isn’t Lana Del Rey?  That would be like be trying to tell me that Miley Cyrus isn’t Hanna Montana.  Same fucking person.  Question is: marry, fuck, kill?  Lana Del Rey, Emma Watson, Miley Cyrus.  I’m going with kill Del Rey, marry Cyrus, fuck Watson.  I know fucking Cyrus and marrying Watson is the popular opinion here, I just think Watson might get a little bland after a while.  Something like “So honey, how was your day?  Good?  Good.  Mine was good too.  Check ya’ later.”

Miley Cirus Hot




Random Facts with Reginald VelJohnson

This question is for Reginald – Do gay men say “This sucks dick” when something really good happens to them, since they like penis?  For instance, if a gay man gets a raise at work does he emphatically say, “Yes, this really sucks dick!!!

Do straight men say “This sucks pussy” when something really good happens to them?  No.  For instance, if a straight man gets a raise at work does he say, “Yes, this really sucks clit!”  Stupid question.

Chad Sonnen

I think LeBron’s a dork. He won one world championship, and that was in the Olympic Games. It’s so aggravating to hear a title be called a ‘world champion’ when it’s only done in America. It’s not a global event where the whole world can participate. You didn’t win a world title. You won a national title.

~Chad Sonnen (Silver medalist at the 2000 Greco-Roman World University Championships)

This guy is the inside anatomy of an ass.  He says it’s so “aggravating” to hear a title be called a ‘world championship’ when it’s only done in America.  Well Chad, that’s because all the best players, from all over the World, play in American leagues.  That’s why there were 59 NBA players in the global Olympic basketball bracket.  Yoa Ming plays in the NBA because China doesn’t have a league that people “watch”.  Every Dominican baseball player dreams of the MLB, every Eastern European dreams of the NBA, and every Canadian dreams about the NHL; some just don’t make the cut.  The NHL is played in America and the best players from all over the world play in it – making the American Stanley Cup the World Championship of Hockey.  I find it painful that I need to even explain this.  We give the most money, exposure and endorsements to the athletes, so the best athletes from all over the World play here.  Not to mention – who the fuck is even calling the NBA Finals the World Championship?  Not me, not ESPN, not USA Today.  It’s probably Sonnen’s own goddamn friends that are like, “Ehh, Chad ehh, want to watch the World Basketball Championship tonight ehh?”  And then Chad, who was submitted in UFC 60 (another American league), losses his mind trying to compensate for his non-climatic career and Canadian heritage.

Long story short:
America > Canada
Lebron > Sonnen