"I don't Speak Japanese"

Eating raw fish is outlandish.  I eat raw fish; but then again I’m a fucking outlandish guy.  So how did sushi restaurants explode across the USA if their primary course is raw food?

The California Roll.  How brilliant.  A piece of sushi that doesn’t contain any raw fish.  Djarum Clove cigaretts lead to a Newport addiction; marijuana leads to crack addition; and California Rolls lead to Quail Egg addiction.  No body starts feasting on Quail Eggs out of the blue; just like no one embarks on an LSD fueled life without what I would call a “trasitional period”.

As a pubescent someone will push a Cali Roll on you.  Deep down they know that the plethora of raw fish on their plate is bizarre.  So like the strung out degenerate who tries to make you puff a joint, the sushi loving friend tries to get you to ingest the C-Roll.  Next thing you know your pounding D-Rolls, P-Rolls and even fucking Z-Rolls.  By the time your thirty your sprinkling brown rice down your pants, while holding a live eel over your head, as a divorced Asian screams “SAAKKKI!”

So where did it all go wrong?  You never liked raw fish before, and suddenly you got the yellow fever worse than Matt Groening and James L. Brooks.  It went wrong when you confused the shitty taste of sushi with the great taste of soy sauce.  Once you accept the gate-way sushi (California Roll), all the tastes blur.

L.A. officials reported problems at a recent rave at the L.A. Coliseum — in which some where sickened by Ecstasy overdoses — one male (32) died of an Ecstasy overdose.

I hear that Ecstasy pills make you feel like you’re in heaven, a feeling of pure bliss.  So wouldn’t the Ecstacy overdose be fucking ideal?  In that scenario you are traveling to heaven while rolling on ‘E’.  You’re actually in heaven, on a pill that gives you the feeling of pure paradise.  I think we’re talking about a good time here.  Tonight God is on the 1′s and 2′s.

The existence of Crazy Cat Ladies proves dogs are better than cats:  A guy with a lot of dogs would just be called the Dog Guy.

When women gain weight their breasts get bigger.  When a guy puts on weight why doesn’t his penis get bigger?

I don’t think there has ever been a better adjective/noun team than staunch & asshole.  The only superior 1-2 punch would be the yellow turtle neck/leather jacket combo worn by Terry Silver while dropping off John Kreese at the airport.  But then again, that’s like comparing apples and platinum bars.  I’m tired of staunch being wasted on nouns like Republican.  The definition of staunch asshole would be as follows:

Stanch Asshole – someone who is firm or steadfast in principle, adherence, and loyalty to being an asshole.

The Karate Kid, Part III (1989)

NY Post — This bandit came armed to disarm bank tellers — with a bouquet of flowers.  Police are offering a reward for anyone with information on the perp.

Security cameras are generally poor in quality.  For some reason they choose to manufacture security cameras with a total of (4) pixels.  A Motorola Razr has better video recording quality than the leading security camera system.  Playback of security tape generally looks like a showing of the Blair Witch Project on the LCD of a fucking boombox.  But even with poor security tape quality, one can clearly see that this robber is the the emaciated version of rapper 50 cent.  They are even wearing the same crappy Old Navy sweat shirts.  On the bright side at least we know that F-50 stopped filming pussy movies and is back on the streetz.

Behind the shell of an airplane and underneath your clothing is a nude body traveling at 525 mph, 42 thousand feet above the Earth.  Bet you didn’t think you could do that.

There are two things that I don’t understand in this world: (a) People who throw out two fingers in 21st finger; and (b) The reason extra strength 5-hour energy isn’t called (at the very least) 6-hour energy.  I also don’t understand why talented magicians don’t become pickpockets; and why free t-shirts are always XXXL.  I kind of understand rugby but I don’t understand why it’s not more popular than truck racing.  I don’t understand the shredded tires that you see on the sides of highways, seems like they would be at the inception of a major tragedy.  I don’t understand the spelling of the word vacuum or the success of any other vacuum brand besides the Shop Vac.  I don’t understand how tic-tac-toe ever gained any traction or why chess isn’t aired on ESPN.  I don’t understand why I said that there are only two things that I don’t understand.

Maybe I’m just a dope, but I don’t understand a damn thing when I watch the Inception trailer.  Is it about blood diamonds, vanilla skies or sorcerer’s apprentices?  I edited the official trailer to illustrate to you what the real trailer looks like to me.  (see above)

**Rights not even close to reserved.

CUPERTINO, Calif. (AP) — Apple CEO Steve Jobs is responding to growing complaints about the latest iPhone by declaring, “We’re not perfect.”

iPhone 4 may not be perfect.  But do you want to know something that is perfect?  The Wonder Hanger®.

If you’re on a train, plane, elephant, or any other form of public transportation; it is taboo to have a long phone conversation.  Other passengers will snicker and frequently request that you terminate your phone call.  Up until now I thought this was logical behavior.

It is conventional wisdom that any individual who requests that you terminate your phone call is doing so to protect the tranquility of travel.  They are the diplomat representing all the passengers who are also bothered by your phone convo.  But are they really standing up to defend the quiet commute?

Face-to-face conversations that occur on public transportation are commonplace.  If two people in the midst of a face-to-face conversation were told to be quiet, the usher would be painted a villain.  They would be characterized as nasty, rude and disrespectful.  But wait a minute?!  Shouldn’t a face-to-face conversation be twice as disruptive as a phone conversation?  Instead of one person talking you now have two.

Perhaps people aren’t bothered by the noise.  Perhaps they are bothered because they can’t hear what the person is saying on the other end of the phone.  People tolerate face-to-face conversation because they can eavesdrop.  The phone conversation eliminates the ability for a third party to listen in.

The next time a person breaks up one of my phone conversations I want them to say this:

“Excuse me sir, I noticed that you’re speaking on the phone.  The fellow passengers and I cannot eavesdrop on your conversation since we can’t hear what the other person is saying.  In light of our selfish tendencies, can you please hang up the call immediately.”