Girl: "I like coffee, inside jokes and poems."

So I overhear a couple discussing the Yankee game playing on the bar TV.  Being the spineless evesdropper that I am, I tuned into their frequency and heard the following dialog:

Girl:  Didn’t the guy in the green just strike it out?

Guy:  Well; you need (3) strikes to make an out.  That’s what that 2-2 in the upper corner means….(2) balls, and (2) strikes.

Man does this guy want to get laid.  At this point I’m grumbling holy-shit under my breath and laughing into my beer.    How can he tolerate a girl who is so naive?

[a moment later...]

Girl:  Isn’t he out now?  He just missed the ball with (2) strikes, why is he running to first base?

Guy:  Well; if the batter does not tip the ball, with (2) strikes, and the catcher does not catch the ball, as long as first base isn’t occupied he can run to first and not make an out as long as the catcher doesn’t pick the ball up and throw it to the first basemen who has to step on the base before the batter gets there.

Woaaa.  What the fuck did I just hear??!  First of all why did I completely understand that; and secondly, how is she supposed to?  No wonder so many American girls shy away from sports like a Kenyan boy keeping away from football americano.  That is some pretty complex stuff.  Forget about girls not knowing the rules: I wonder how many guys pretend to know the rules, but just never got them down.  Those of us who grew up playing baseball have the good luck of having the rules engraved from a young age.  But it takes some skill to pick them up later in life, as this girl was trying to do.

Then again: it is good luck if a bird shits on you.  But it’s fucking SKILL if you can return the favor.

Here is a List of What my Austerity Measures Would Look Like:

~Sell All Our Public Libraries. Nobody’s book collection should ever trump their DVD collection, nobody’s.  Here’s an idea: sell all the books/buildings/land that public libraries occupy; then use the revenue to buyout the complete market share of Netflix and Amazon Kindle; make the services free to Americans.

~Get Rid of PBA Cards. PBA cards make it legal for friends/family of cops to break the law and avoid paying the associated fines to the state.  If these cards aren’t an impairment of integrity then I don’t know what is.  They are a legal form of corruption.  As you would probably assume at this point, I never get PBA cards; mostly because I don’t like cops, and cops don’t like me.  But let’s do some math anyway:  There are 500,000 full time officers in the United States.  Each officer usually saves (10) people from getting a ticket each year via PBA card.  [500,000 cops] x [10 PBA cards per cop] x [$100 avg fine] = $500,000,000.00 of revenue lost through corruption each year.  That’s no earmark, that’s an ear infection.

~Get Rid of Science Class. Why does science class exist in high school?  Why not have a class that teaches people how to read mortgage terms instead.  Nothing practical ever comes out of science class.  I have never once dissected a frog and found a $40 bill inside its stomach cavity (INTERESTING FACT: If money was to be found in frogs it would be in $40 denominations).  Science is an extremely focused subject topic to be teaching to the masses.  Not a high percentage of people grow up to deal with molecular compounds.  Let’s maybe fire all the science teachers and leave that class open as an option to weirdos who want to take it in grad school.  And I mean weirdos: like the type of people who masturbate to the Simpsons, and laugh at porn.

I Would Direct All the Money I Just Saved Toward (1) Thing:

Replace the brakes on the New Jersey Transit Buses.  What the fuck is going on there…how does every bus have worn out brakes??  It sounds like a shriek Fran Drescher would produce while getting here armpits tickled by Freddy Krueger.  These brakes don’t just need the Midas Touch, they need the Midas Gang-Bang.

Shit-wrecked. Really?  Let’s get this straight:  So you started your night by setting sail on a boat made of human shit.  You had so many white russians that you could no longer navigate the turd and completely wrecked it.  As the poo is sinking, your friends are forced to climb aboard tiny dingle-berry lifeboats as violins play ‘Nearer My God to Thee’ by Mrs. Adams.  Is that really to look your going for.  A poop wrecker. To be honest it kind of makes you sound like a full blown ‘mass murderer’, the type who keeps the first ‘m’ silent.   Wouldn’t you rather just get paid to poop at work?

The picture above is the actual photo of the baby posing with the bong on facebook.

The picture below is an actual photo of what it would look like if M. Night Shyamalan was elected to watch over you poop instead of Jeff Goldblum.

I don’t understand why this bong picture is such a big deal.  They want to paint her as a villain, arrest her for endangering her child, and then take the kid away from her.  Please.  You know what the biggest endangerment was to the baby?  When they drug tested him by stabbing his arm with a needle to ensure that he didn’t actually smoke any bong.  Needles hurt, camera flashes don’t.  And how are you going tell me that this baby has the dexterity to spark a lighter, and the lung capacity to take a bong hit?  If she leaves him in the front seat of her car, are you going to arrest the baby for driving without a license too?

Click on Image for the Answer

A plastic surgeon who sculpted Hollywood’s most famous faces and boobs including Heidi Montag, Janice Dickinson and Adrianne Curry (Sounds like VH1′s Staff Surgeon) drove off a cliff while texting.  This is right up there with ‘drowned in a pool while walking’.  Or suffocated to death while talking.

“Frank Ryan Rules.  Frank Ryan Rules.  Frank Ryan Rules.”

Victor Cruz’s performance is more of a testiment to how shitty Lowery is, rather that a proclaimation of his skill.  If Cruz is so good then why did he have only 11 touchdowns at UMass and go undrafted?  I have seen ultimate frisbee catches that are more athletic than Cruz’s:

Chase Blackburn was injured (possibly out for season) during the Giants’ second half push to prove they have the skill to beat the Jets’ second string.  When the Jets & Giants starters were on the field we took a 13-10 lead at the half, and split Eli’s head open wider than Montana Fishburne’s legs.  Way to injure your best linebacker and get your hopes up over an undrafted receiver.  But in good spirt, the Jets and I still welcome the other team in New York to join us in the Meadowlands this season.

Other Key Stats:
Sanchez 13-17  for 120 yards
Rex Ryan No Heart Attack
Shonne Greene Avg 5.2 yards/carry

However, on the way to the chiropractor you decide that seeing a masseuse for a massage would accomplish the same thing and feel better.

However, instead of seeing the masseuse to get the massage you figure you might as well just go to get a rub-and-tug.

Since you are already getting a rub-and-tug, you decide that you might as well just go ahead and book an escort.

You ditch the idea of the escort because you figure you might as well get a hooker.

While sleeping with the hooker you throw your back out and need to see a chiropractor.

On the way to the chiropractor you decide that seeing a masseuse for a massage would accomplish the same thing, yet feel much better..”

~RVJ on R&T’s

If you have every taken a dump while at work, you can bet your ass (forced pun) that you’re getting paid to poop –> You’re on the clock, while on the can.

Here is Some Quick Math:
Conservatively, let’s agree that the average American spends (1/80th) of their work week [= 30 minutes a week] on the crapper.  The GDP of the USA in 2008 was $14.6 Trillion.  I think you can smell where I’m going with this.  That means that (1/80th) of that $14.6 Trillion was made while dumping.  $182.5 Billion Dollars of ASSets was made during that time.  That’s a shitload of money.

Now just imagine how much money we’re pissing away.