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“Inflate your life vest by pulling down on the red tabs, or if those do not function; by manually blowing into the two tubes on either side of your vest.”

If the auto-inflate does not work, you have to manually blow into the vest.  I mean what kind of fucking luck is that?  Not only did the engines on your specific plane stop working, but the life vest under your exact seat is defective, causing you to manually inflate through the tubes?  Talk about a bad day.  The plane is heading toward deep impact in the Pacific, and you’re sitting there blowing on two small tubes like you’re a father at a 9 year old’s pool party filling up his new Sponge Bob raft.  You’re heading for your death and in your last moments you’re stuck making yourself a nylon necklace filled with bad breath and false hope.  At what point do you just strap on the oxygen mask, and go for a chemically induced head rush by taking deep pulls of oxygen like you’re heading into the Sharks and Minnows finals?

I will say one thing, if a plane was ever going down you want me in the goddamn exit isle instead of the old businessman looking for the legroom.  I would have the yellow slide down, and coated in a light covering of baby oil before the lazy suit could even un-clasp his belt.  These uncoordinated freaks are willing to risk the safety of all the people on board by claiming they are able to assist in a crash, meanwhile they are lying through their teeth just to get the extra leg space.  We’re talking about people who have proably never even picked up a baseball bat, and they have the balls to say they can help in a plane crash?

I would be sending bodies down that emergency slide so fast you would thing you were watching footage from Action Park‘s Cannonball Loop.  We want the A-team in the exit aisles, not old timers who need more room.  Buy a first class ticket you cheap fuck, and leave the heroism to the pros.


Employees have reported they were offered hundred-dollar bills to test it. Tom Fergus, “one of the idiots”, said “$100 did not buy enough booze to drown out that memory.”


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