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Goblin SharkRetarded Man-Shark

Goblin Shark

I don’t believe in witches or curses, but this shark looks like a man who was turned into a shark by a witch as a punishment.  It is a retarded man-shark.  What do you know about retarded man-sharks?  Up until today I didn’t know jack about them because Shark Week has been keeping them a goddamn secret.  They look like Jewish accountants with bad breath.  If this shark surfaced and started speaking coherent English I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.  The conversation and breath would be unbearable, but you could definitely ask the retarded man-shark a few questions.  Why do you live -3,000 feet below sea level?  When is the last time you chewed a stick of gum?  How much do you charge to roll over my IRA?

I’d like to imagine that these puerile predators just mope around half a mile below the surface in perpetual search for their car keys…

An example of a retarded man-shark conversation at -3,000 ft:
“What are you doing today Thed?” 

“Looking for my keys again I can’t find them.”

“Did you check your desk, you always leave them on your desk?”

“Checked my desk.  Do you want to go out for lunch and eat some oatmeal with really long spoons?”

“No Thed, I’m all good.”


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