Back in a post I wrote on December 4th, I predicted that 16 mistresses would be exposed for sleeping with Tiger Woods.  And today my prediction came true when porn star Devon James came forward as #16.  So how did I know it was going to be a Sweet-16?  How does a fucking dog know when it’s going to rain?  How can bats see at night?  How can Kevin Smith get away with wearing these jorts in public?

Created by ChrisGaldi.com

It’s easier to find the 9th Labyrinth on Zelda’s map; than it is  to find the 2nd Level of Marble Madness on any map.

Actual Freeze Frame

Toyota released a new video showing how to stop your Toyota if the gas pedal sticks to the floor.  It shows a woman slamming on the brakes with both her feet (pictured above).  What does the ‘double-foot brake stomp‘ even accomplish, since you only need to push (1) pedal anyways?  When you buy a Toyota, do they teach you to step on the GAS with both feet as well?  Maybe that’s why all the gas pedals have been sticking.  I wouldn’t put it past those silly Asians in Tokyo to use both feet to press on car pedals.

I know what I’m going to do if my gas pedal sticks.  I’m ripping the E-Brake and letting out a wolf’s howl right up until the air bag pops.  E-Brake -> Howl.  E-Brake -> Howl.  E-Brake -> “Fuck” -> Howl.

For an ant to get into your car they will have to:

1) Climb the tire
2) Crawl across the axle
3) Scale the shock assembly
4) Maneuver upside down back across the wheel well
5) Hopefully find an open window or door to enter through

It makes re-entry into ‘The Rock’ prison seem like child’s play.

John Mason: Your “best”? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
Ant: Carla was the prom queen.
John Mason: Really?
Ant: [cocks his gun] Yeah.

When your grandparents tell you that a nickel had buying power back in 1930, how much buying power did it actually have?  I just calculated the compounded inflation rate from 1930, and I came up with 1,167%.  That means that shit is only (12x) more expensive today than it was in 1930.  So when you grandpa-pa says that he used to shovel driveways for a nickel; he was getting bent-over.  A nickel back in 1930 is still worth only 58 cents today.  Get these old people outta here with that nickel shit.  Constantly making nickels sound like they used to be worth a barrel-of-fifties.  They were worth a barrel of shit, and they know it.  Silly old-timers.

Isn’t it strange that:

1)  For being a female director, Bigelow’s movies aren’t even slightly girly. “Point Break,” is about a group of surfers/bank robbers. “Strange Days” was about a futuristic, dystopian Los Angeles. “The Hurt Locker” featured a bomb squad in Iraq.

2)  James Cameron would never lose the Best Director Academy award to his ex-wife.  James Cameron has no time to get married; everyone knows that…suckers.

Rome — Pingping, who was 29 inches tall, died at the age of 21.  The Chinese-born man became the Guinness record-holder in March 2008.

Somewhere out there lives a 30 inch tall man raising a glass in victory today.  Cheers to you sir, cheers to you.

Universal Signal which means -- Can't You see I am a Bar-Back; I can NOT Serve you Booze

What is the harm that can be done from a bar-back serving you a bottle of beer?  It’s not like I’m asking you to grid out a mojito for me.  I give money, you give beer.  You’re already back there man, just hand me a fucking beer.

Why is it that when you signal to a bar-back that you need a beer; they look at you like you just asked them to do your science homework.  You work really hard to get their attention; and then they give you the useless bar-back look (pictured above).  If your going to be useless back there, then stop looking like a goddamn bartender.  They should have to wear referee stripes or something so I don’t get blue-balls thinking I am going to get served faster than everyone else.

Speaking of Referee Stripes..

NY Post
Here’s how the new door would work:
As soon as a tenant walks to the door of his building, a camera snaps 40 pictures of him per second and compares the images with those it has on file. If a match is found, the tenant is allowed in. The biometric door costs $15,000. Doormen make $40,000 a year, according to their union, 32BJ SEIU.

Wait a fucking minute….doormen have a Union?!  Jesus Christ, whats next, prevailing wage for the coat check lady?  I wanna know who works the door down at the Doorman Local Union Hall, fucking Rodney Dangerfield?  Dude must be pretty snappy to land that spot amidst that crop of talent.  And would anyone really care if the doorman union went on strike.  It would be a minor inconvenience, like ordering a Corona and lime and the bartender cutting a lime twice the size of the bottle mouth.  Fuck, I’m going to have to come all the way downstairs to sign for my FedEx package….