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 Deadspin – This here is a picture of the LeBron X shoe. It’s kind of weird that it says “2-time champion” because, you know, LeBron is just a one-time champion right now, and he will continue to be one for the foreseeable future if the Heat lose to the Spurs tonight.

Forget about LeBron prematurely concluding that he is going to win the finals even though his team is down 3-games-to-2 in the series.  The fact of the matter is the Heat are still -130 favorites to win it all and -7 favorites tonight in game 6, so his risky prediction is actually still the most probable outcome.

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What I want to know however, is how that thing in the picture above is a “shoe“?  What am I looking at?  It looks like the bottom of a fucking bicycle seat.  He’s not going to win shit wearing bike seats on his feet.

Even worse, hypothetically, if that were actually a bicycle seat, how long would it take before people in the hood started rocking bike seats on the feet?

That would be a disaster.  Urban fashion already makes it difficult for criminals to run from the cops.  If someone gets away from the cops in a foot pursuit they can just ask around, “Did anyone see some fucking moron dressed like the cookie monster run by here?

C MonsterIt’s like wearing jail stripes.  Then they have the saggy pants, which I have nothing against, but that’s going to cost you some serious foot speed by having the belt around the knees.  Now add bicycle seat shoes to the mix?  Christ, you just took away the judge, the jury, the trial, and cut straight to the sentence.

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This is a catastrophe.  Capri Sun will never work in that 64 oz hard-plastic container.  The reason people enjoy Capri Sun is the small squeezable pouch, how the bag decompresses when you drink it, blowing into it so the juice comes back out rapidly, blowing air in and out when finished, feeling the straw sucked up against the pouch like a tiny spine (as if you’re sucking the life out of a living thing), and of course stabbing the top with the tiny straw.  The actual taste of the drink is OK at best, and the portion is abysmal.  Yet the Capri bag is so powerful that it out-wited, outlasted and outplayed Eco-Coolers and Squeeze-Its in the ’90s – two very formidable foes.

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You think Capri got top market share of the novelty children’s drink market by pushing out a quality product?  Fuck no.  It was their dagger like straws and the squeezable bag.

There is however a possible solution for Capri in the 64 oz market.  They need to go with a 64 oz bag.  I’m talking about a fucking huge Capri Sun bag (12″ tall) with a monster straw that has a cap on it.

Capri Fixed

<– Here is a picture of what I’m talking about.  If I see this huge Capri bag in the aisle it’s going in my cart 30/30 times.  Picture turning that thing over and fucking blasting your glass full of goodness with a bag squeeze?  Or turning around and blasting your father in the crotch of his jeans with a 64 oz cannon?  How and why is this not the container they are going with?  They actually paid someone to design a hard-plastic Capri Sun bottle?  That’s like meeting and hiring your own hitman.

 

tommyboy

“Inflate your life vest by pulling down on the red tabs, or if those do not function; by manually blowing into the two tubes on either side of your vest.”

If the auto-inflate does not work, you have to manually blow into the vest.  I mean what kind of fucking luck is that?  Not only did the engines on your specific plane stop working, but the life vest under your exact seat is defective, causing you to manually inflate through the tubes?  Talk about a bad day.  The plane is heading toward deep impact in the Pacific, and you’re sitting there blowing on two small tubes like you’re a father at a 9 year old’s pool party filling up his new Sponge Bob raft.  You’re heading for your death and in your last moments you’re stuck making yourself a nylon necklace filled with bad breath and false hope.  At what point do you just strap on the oxygen mask, and go for a chemically induced head rush by taking deep pulls of oxygen like you’re heading into the Sharks and Minnows finals?

I will say one thing, if a plane was ever going down you want me in the goddamn exit isle instead of the old businessman looking for the legroom.  I would have the yellow slide down, and coated in a light covering of baby oil before the lazy suit could even un-clasp his belt.  These uncoordinated freaks are willing to risk the safety of all the people on board by claiming they are able to assist in a crash, meanwhile they are lying through their teeth just to get the extra leg space.  We’re talking about people who have proably never even picked up a baseball bat, and they have the balls to say they can help in a plane crash?

I would be sending bodies down that emergency slide so fast you would thing you were watching footage from Action Park‘s Cannonball Loop.  We want the A-team in the exit aisles, not old timers who need more room.  Buy a first class ticket you cheap fuck, and leave the heroism to the pros.

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Employees have reported they were offered hundred-dollar bills to test it. Tom Fergus, “one of the idiots”, said “$100 did not buy enough booze to drown out that memory.”

 

These are actual lines from DMX’s songs:

DMX the Gay Rapper

DMX the Gay Rapper

DMX the Gay Rapper

And those are just a few bars from the single Where the Hood At.  Listen, DMX wont just beat the shit out of you, he will knock you out and then suck your fucking dick.  D probably hates gay men, but if you isolate any single line of lyrics the guy could be shooting a porn for “Big Poles, Bigger Holes #6″.  “I beat my dick and bust off in your eye, so you can see me cumin’?”  Ummmm, D, I don’t want to tell you how to rap, but just picture if you came to my house, and when you walked in I was rubbing one out in a dude’s eye.  You’re thinking I’m probably a gay man, right?  Or picture if one dude was holding my shlong while another man was sucking on it; makes me gay – I’m thinking it maybe makes me gay?  It’s weird, since DMX’s voice is so cool you don’t really dwell on the gay sadism.

Vince Vaughn's Haircut

It’s kind of like Vince Vaughn’s haircut.  His character is usually so cool that you don’t take a moment to look at that strange patch of gay-hate that sits on the top of his block.  What is that?  That’s not a hairstyle, it’s a failed peace treaty.  It’s what a balding toddler would look like.  If you spun a Q-Tip around your butt hole, the tip would come out looking like Vaughn’s head.  How the hell is this Hollywood’s characteristic example of the cool guy?  And does Vince Vaughn ever not play the laid back cool guy?  We get it Vaughn, pussy always just “falls” in your character’s lap.  I think that he is self-conscious of his haircut in real life, so he compensates for it by always taking roles of really cool characters so everyone sees Vince Vaughn as the cool character he plays in films, and not the one-dimensional actor with a back-pitched sewage system for a haircut.

Verizon Email Signatures

USA Today – Verizon, on orders from a top secret court, has been handing over call data to national security officials and a day after The Washington Post and The Guardian reported that national security officials have for six years received information from the central servers of nine U.S. Internet companies.

Today thousands of people are posting on Twitter with their Verizon wireless smart-phones about how Twitter and Verizon wireless are spying on them.  I couldn’t care less about it, I just always assumed that the government is able to look at my shit, who cares?  I think there is a much bigger problem with Verizon than the spying – my problem with them is the default email signature that Verizon sets on all new phones.  “Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE DROID”.  If someone sends me an email and at the bottom it says “Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE DROID NEXT GEN SMRT PHONE”, I immediately assume that they have no control over their life.  Go into the settings, and remove that shit dude, it’s making you look like a straight weirdo.  And what makes it worse is that some people in the older generation still don’t have smart-phones, so they don’t know that Verizon forcefully put that message there – they think that you actually typed it.  So if you send your 60 year old boss a work email from your phone, and at the bottom of the email it says  “Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE DROID ROBOT DEVICE OVER 90 GB/SEC SATELLITES”, he has no reason not to assume that you didn’t hammer that sentence in at the end to brag about your smart phone.  That’s a shortcut to the unemployment line if you ask me.  If I’m a boss, and I think some young cunt I hired is bragging about his high end tech at the end of business correspondence, he is getting the ax 10/10 times.  Honestly, how douchy is the string of characters that make up the phrase “Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE iPad 6″?  If I thought anyone ever intentionally typed that into an email while addressing me, they essentially picked up a harmonica and started playing fight music.  Bragging about your new smart phone in an email is like bragging to your friends about how much your father gets laid.  Shit’s straight creepy.

So kids, stop worrying about Verizon spying on you.  If anything you should be honored that someone gives a shit about the #instacollage of your taylor ham, egg & cheese sandwich.  It’s time to re-focus your impotent rage at Verizon’s default email signatures instead; these noxious notes are actually getting people fired.

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Vegetarians, tell your food not to eat my food.  I have so many questions about this thing: can vegetarians eat a venus trap, and still remain vegetarian (what if it just digested frog)?   The venus trap is obviously a carnivore.  And has anyone ever tried rolling up a venus flytrap and smoking it?  I bet that shit would get you high as hell.  Do they bleed red blood?  Do they mourn when nearby venus traps pass away?  Do they get emotional when they are hungry and nothing is landing in their stupid open mouths?  I have so many questions about this thing that I might actually buy one just to run tests on it.  Would I name it like a pet?  Does it get a dude or a chick name?  It would also be really fun to prod its mouth with a pencil and watch it waste all it’s stupid plant energy shutting and opening its mouth with no meal in it.  Idiot trap.  Why isn’t it pulling nutrients from the ground, it’s rooted in the ground, right?  That would be like if a group of animals refused to eat with their mouths, and dug their feet into the ground to get nutrition - that’s how weird these things are.  Straight out of a Peter Jackson film written by Dr. Suess.

 

Why do local car commercials always look like they were filmed on a 1992 Sony Handi-cam?  I could Snapchat a better quality video than they put through production.  And why are the videos always so goddamn silly?  And not the good type of silly.  162316394_teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-classic-muscle-costume-boy-The main dealer will come out in a Rapheal costume with a maroon bandana and twin sais and yell into the camera “At Maroon Kia we’re Crayayayayayzy about savings!!!!!“.  As a viewer you are probably zoned out and not paying attention; but there is a real guy in the Ninja Turtle costume, he lives in your neighborhood, and he’s looking to hock you a goddamn car.  He thinks the best way to do this is by acting-out in front of a large audience.  You don’t see this battiness in national auto ads because they did research and the results were that weird content shot on a manual focus Panasonic handheld from ’82 is bad for business.  And it’s not like these people are broke.  Every now and then you’ll get an ad with the head dealer standing next to Paul O’Neill, who they have dressed up in a suit.  That’s not a cheap scene to set up; just getting O’Neill out of the pinstripes will cost you $10k smooth, having him gel the mop will cost you another fifteen.  How much do you think it would cost to throw O’Neill in the Rapheal gear – forty?  That’s and investment worth making; because if I stumble upon your Lodi, NJ Toyota car ad at 1am, and O’Neill is sweating his dick off in a green Rapheal one-piece, I’ll buy a goddamn Corolla – you’ve earned it.  These dealers are shelling out the skrilla, just not on their production equipment.

 oneill

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Why are food packages always boasting about having ’0g trans fats’?  I’ve never even seen the word “trans fat” without also seeing an exclamation point after it – people are goddamn excited about them (or more accurately the lack of them).  If Pringles, Krispy Kreme, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell all managed to make their greasy-ass food with 0 grams of tans fats as they swagger about; then I would expect trans fats to be held at zero g’s across the board for all food.  Don’t even brag about it, just don’t put it in my meal.  I don’t know what the fuck a trans fat tastes like – I’m assuming it’s goddamn delicious but I don’t need to know anything about them at this point in my life.  I’ve made it this far eating all foods that claim to have “ZERO TRANS FATS!!!!“, so let’s just keep it that way.  I’m no chemist but I’m assuming that after ingesting as little as 1g of t-fats I’m staring down the barrel of coronary failure.

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