It took me a whole 3 seconds to figure out that flight attendant Steven Slater is not straight, yet it took me 30 years to realize that Joe Cocker is NOT black.  I am 24 years old.  Plus his voice isn’t even kind of black, it’s “Kanye West speech” at the Apollo black.  I have so many questions right now such as:  how did this get past me for so long?  How did that black voice get on that white body?    Is Bubba Sparxx the legitimate son of Joe Cocker?

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Rex Ryan’s mouth had the lead role in the first episode of HBO’s “Hard Knocks” Wednesday night. The day afterward, the coach admitted he hadn’t really kept track of the amount of profanity he dispenses and apologized.

Rex apologizes for cussing on HBO??  What’s next, a Madame Suzette apology for showing nudes on the Cathouse?  This is football training camp footage of an overweight coach we are talking about here.  Of course Ryan is going to be jabbing camera crews with a jagged cadence of fucks and fat-freeze-frames, but that’s just the nature of the beast; and he sure is a beast.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this apology is completely unnecessary.  Unnecessary like those little plastic urinals connected to the Porta-John toilet.  Unnecessary like the TV message that says, “Closed Captioning brought to you by the following sponsors…”.  Why cares who paid for the closed captioning?  Why not at least switch it up every now and then: “Assistant Sound Editing brought to you by...”.  How much money could a captioner possibly make to justify his own dedicated lineup of commercials?  I have to get into that shit immediatly.  Like yesterday.  And my eldest son is going to caption too.  Make it a family business.

“Jet Blue attendent Steve Slater is arrested for an uncommon sliding exit from a plane.”

I just want to know (1) thing: once the slide was deployed, all the passengers slid down it to get off the plane, right?  Please tell me they didn’t walk through the jetway and into the terminal with that giant slide right there.  And don’t give me that bullshit about it not being safe to have the passengers on the tarmac.  Know what is not safe?  Airplane crashes.  Giant slides are safe, fun and abundant.  Plus once you get to the bottom you can grab your own bag off the plane, you’ll never have lost luggage again.

Harlem, New York

What do Islamics do inside of mosques anyway?  Do they just go in there and fucking reek?  They kneel; and generate smell.

I actually am all for a mosque by the World Trade Center as long as they throw a fucking locker room in there.  The path train from WTC to Hoboken smells like a dog covered in Ramen Noodle broth.

And why do Islamics hate gays so much?  They hate women AND gays??  So are they asexual?  Are they even in the game?  It’s like a baseball player looking to join the majors as a designated fielder.  You have to either like pitching or hitting or there just isn’t a spot for you on the roster.

Tracy McGrady, the former ninth overall selection by the Toronto Raptors in the 1997 NBA Draft, was signed by the Detroit Pistons to a one-year deal.  I could give one-fuck about this Tracy McGrady deal.  In reality I have just been waiting W-E-E-K-S for any reason to air out this raptor clip.

If you haven’t noticed, this raptor is gliding in on on pair of Bauers that are a few sizes small.   And for some reason he doesn’t use his hands to break his fall.  The costume in no way prevents him from using his hands.  This is a close approximation of what it would look like if you threw David “Papi” Ortiz on ice skates.

Joe Namath: “Look Jess, I escaped out of the asylum with fucking ease.  I think this Jets shirt is hiding the inpatient whites, am I wrong here?”

Jessica Namath: “No dad you’re not wrong, but if you’re trying to hide, why come to a football stadium with 70,000 people?”

Gunshots.

Why does facebook tell everybody the method one uses to update their status?  Seems unfair to the guy who is still hammering out his updates on a Moto Razr while using the ‘abc’ style of input.  It makes his “Dinner with the fam at Arby’s!” seem uninteresting to everyone who knows that he has the extended time needed to broadcast it in 3-stroke touch-tone bursts.  Not to mention, how does the Book even know you method of status distribution?  I’m going to put them to the test with some of these methods:

Per numerous requests by women, men are to urinate with the toilet seat UP; but realistically that is not always going to happen.  Guys are going to pee with the seat down, just like ‘Ladies and Gentlemen‘ is going to shit with his pants up.  So why not accept the inevitable and work with it.

When you gotta race like a piss-horse no guy wants to raise the seat, they want to drop fly and blast one the fuck out.  The horseshoe seat strategically leaves a little opening in the front, right at ground zero of the shakes.

I actually don’t even understand the complete oval seats that leave plastic in this region.  What do you think is going to happen?  You wouldn’t build a stadium at the edge of a levee, because it would get flooded.  And you shouldn’t put seat-plastic in a region where it is likely to rain.

Not to mention, if you feel like getting classy mid-leak you can always lift the horseshoe seat and enjoy an uninterrupted stream.  Engineering at its finest.

A bi-sexual guy is just a gay man with a women fetish.

~Reginald

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