July 29th, 2009
(Click on Above Image to Enlarge)So I was thinking about putting a flame to an aerosol can today after work, you know, for old times sake. Then I remembered the urban legend saying that if you light a can on fire the flame ball might shoot back up the spray, into the can, and make your face look like a game Streets of Rage played by an orphan. As this uncertainty began to cast a gloomy shadow over my day’s plans, I realized that I could turn to Y! Answers for help. The question/answer combo I found makes the Scottie Pippen/Horace Grant NBA Jam duo look like six grade rec. Actually no; but it’s still pretty good.
QUESTION: If you spray fire with an aerosol can is it possible for the can to explode? Also if possible what are the odds, approximately. Is it likely for the fire to go back up the can? I have done this many times and just wanted to know.
In short the question asks what the ballpark odds are on the fucking can exploding. Everybody at some point has asked this question. I can sense that the kid asking has recorded countless aerosol observations, and is (1) Yahoo answer away from concluding that an aerosol can is a flawless flamethrower; as we all have more or less already concluded.
ANSWER: I’ve done it too, i caught a wall on fire with my friend, i suppose if the fire got close enough and the can hot enough it could explode, so my days of that is over thats terrifying.
Please note that this answer is THE BEST ANSWER as chosen by Yahoo voters. The answer has three stages: the first stage recalls fun times with aerosol flames, the second is contemplative worry, and the third is a complete shift of gears into panic. It’s like they typed the first two lines, forgot they wrote them, and replied to their own answer saying it sounds terrifying. The answer reminds me of the song Layla by Derek and the Dominoes. And when it is all said and done the ballpark question never gets answered! How fucking brutal is it when you ask someone to give you a ballpark figure and they flat out refuse; I take it as a personal insult. It’s almost as brutal as when you ask someone for an address to plug into your GPS and they start giving you turn-by-turn directions. And when you cut them off and reinforce the fact that you have satellite guided navigation they tell you, “Yeah, but its really easy; you just turn right at the school etc. etc. etc.”. Meanwhile you are just looking at their dumb mouth move while still trying to figure out why they wont just give you a fucking address to plug into the screen.
So, if you spray fire with an aerosol can is it possible to explode? Well I typed “aerosol flamethrower” into Youtube and there were no videos with over 8,000 hits. So no.
July 27th, 2009
When I wind up in the mix with a bunch of guidos, like what happened to me this past Saturday at the Tiki Bar in Point Pleasant, my reaction is disgust. Disgust that this group of “people” actually like the way they look and behave. A guido dresses like a metrosexual thug and talks about fights that happened in high school. Eavesdropping on a guido conversation sounds like a Joe Rogan UFC fight recap. But reflecting on these feelings I realize that the problem is not the guidos, it’s the girls that they hang out with. Anybody can sadly admit that where there are guidos, there are smoking hot girls. The same relationship is apparent between fat people in the heat and ambulances. Obviously these guys feel their own style, because the most important global critics also do, hot girls. This raises a few questions about females that need answers:
Do most girls secretly have the hots for guidos, but hide their emotions to save the future of their reputation? Is it possible that dressing like a guido in a bar is hated on similarly to girls dressing like a sluts in the clubs? Think about it, mediocre chicks hate when girls wear a low cut shirt or a high skirt and heels in bars because the guys give them all the attention. Do guys like myself hate guidos because girls actually digg their style? The last thing I want to be is the male version of the fat chick whining about sexy sluts. I’m starting to realize that steriods are the male equivilent of fake tits and plastic surgery. Maybe the guido thing started as a costume but then these dudes realized that they were on to something and it was all grease and gravy from there. Or maybe I just got too much fucking salt water up my nose yesterday, where am I?
July 27th, 2009
Youtube has begun to breed a new generation of slapstick comedians. Only now-a-days slapstick literally refers to getting your stick slapped. The Youtube fan base is looking for shock value, and where they is a market there will be performers. The only problem with these videos is that there is no side story associated with the injury. In theory this should be the best type of Youtube video, it’s quick and someone gets hurt, but in the end it just doesn’t feel right. A brief fake premise would do, such as a staged baseball toss where one “accidentally” gets away from the catcher and crushes his crane and candy bag. It’s like watching a porno without the initial role play, yes you fast foward through it anyway but it is good to know it was there.
Michael Buffer is to “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” as Jan Kraus is to Faceplant Entrances:
July 27th, 2009
RAIDENAge: Eternal
Height: 7′-0″
Weight: 350
Hair: Black
Eyes: None
Legal Status: Mystic- Does not apply
Known Relatives: None
Occupation: Warrior
JOHNNY CAGE
Real Name: John Carlton
Age: 29
Height: 6′ 1″
Weight: 200
KANO
Age: 35
Height: 6′
Weight: 205
I mean if Raiden is a seven footer you would expect that Cano would be at least like 6′-8″. And the best part is that they didn’t make Rayden like 9 feet tall. He is a realistic 7 foot 350 and he doesn’t have any eyes. And what’s with the black hair, it might just be me but doesn’t Raiden have white hair? Like Doc Brown white, not Bob Barker white. It is also hysterical that he has ventured into the outerworld alone. You got a seven footer slowly floating through the universe without destination; I guess you have to pass the time somehow when your eternal.
July 23rd, 2009
(Click on Above Police Report Prior to Reading Article)
2) Obama has said regarding this issue that “There’s a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately, that’s just a fact.” It’s also a fact that African Americans make up 13 percent of the United States population and nearly 50 percent of the jail population; now that’s what you call disproportionate. If the stats show that your race dominates crime, racial profiling is just something that you’re going to have to deal with until your brethren stop committing such a high frequency of fault. This is especially true because of the distinct skin color of African Americans, they are easy to be singled out despite positive individual virtues. A lot of people say that the blacks only overwhelm the cells because they are targeted by cops. Listen, if a cop is harassing you and pulls you over more often than other races that only wastes your time, it doesn’t lock you up. What sends you to prison is getting pulled over with a pound of coke and Bob Sagat’s dead body in your trunk. So when “scholar” Gates refuses to show his ID after being spotted breaking into a house with a friend, not only is he being stubbornly ignorant, but he is trying way too hard to be a martyr. This arrest was not about race. If I was flagged breaking into a house with my shoulder cops would want me to step outside and show my ID, and I would do so. I wouldn’t start shouting out injustices in the streets like a little baby. And why isn’t Gates calling a locksmith? I lose my shit all the time but I never had to resort to breaking into my house with my shoulder. For a neighbor to call the cops on Gates he must have been fucking whaling away at his door like a bull in handcuffs. Hey Gates, if you are such a scholar then engineer a better spare key system. The only real injustice I see in this whole case is that the charges were dropped solely because Gates is black and knows Barack Obama. This arrest is not about race. It is about arrogance, and it is about a shocking betrayal of the public trust. It is about criminals (Gates) who use politics and race to engage in disorderly behavior while betraying those who cannot pull those sorts of strings. Professor Gates is not a martyr as he wishes to be; he is a dishonorable waste of human intelligence on a mission to vindicate his life’s work.
July 21st, 2009
Actual Kelly Hildebrandt Couple Pictured Above
Eligible Kelly Hildebrandt #1
Eligible Kelly Hildebrandt #2
CORAL SPRINGS, Fla. — Kelly Hildebrandt will marry Kelly Hildebrandt (first picture). An engaged Florida couple has the same first and last name. Here’s how it all started: 20-year-old Kelly Hildebrandt decided to search Facebook for other people with her name. Up popped Kelly Hildebrandt of Lubbock, Tex. For the next three months the two exchanged e-mails and then started calling each other. The couple plans to marry in October.
I just typed in Kelly Hildebrandt on facebook and (10) other Kelly Hildebrandts popped up. If your name is Kelly Hildebrandt, you have to be kind of pissed about what is going on in the Kelly Hildebrandt community. If sexy bitches named Chris Galdi are marrying pale, lanky dudes also named Chris Galdi, and my name is fucking Chris Galdi; I’m going to be like, “What the fuck, where was the memo?” I mean look at eligible Kelly Hildebrandt #1 who’s facebook profile showed up in my search results. She is kind of hot and telling the world that she parties, forcefully displaying the Corona bottle. Then on the other hand you have single, edgy, and caring Kelly Hildebrandt #2, showing his puppy and telling the world that he is ready to commit. I have 30 grand saying that Kelly Hildebrandt #2 wrote on #1′s facebook wall spitting some shitty “name game”. I personally think that this whole Kelly Hildebrandt thing is god damn incestual. It’s not like there are thousands of Kelly Hildebrandts on facebook, there are only ten. This means that the name is only a few generations deep. It’s not like marrying a Smith or Douglas. And why are dudes being named Kelly? I could see if they were spelling it with a little zazz like “Keilley” or “Ckellie“, but fucking Kelly is a chicks name. Period.
Do you know how I know your gay? Your name is Kelly and you pose is sandcastles.
July 20th, 2009
(Click on Image to Make Larger)
July 6th, 2009
Going to be out of the office until July 16th. If I get locked up abroad please contact Liam Neeson at the number 9 (nine).
July 2nd, 2009
Cheers to the un-standable cone cup. Just when we think we couldn’t possibly chug (4) fluid ounces of water, you force us to prove to ourselves wrong. The water in you is always cold, primarily because you don’t give us a chance to let it sit. Your appearance never waivers. And when your not there; oh how I miss you. You are chosen in mental institutions for your power to peer pressure people into chugging. I just wish people had the power to choose you, un-standable cone cup, over shot glasses worldwide; because you know how to get the job done right as soon as your called to the task.
July 2nd, 2009
New York, New York — Rex Ryan has overcome a lot of hurdles en route to becoming the Jets head coach, but one of them is little known to the public. Ryan recently revealed to newyorkjets.com that he’s had to deal with dyslexia, a learning disability that makes it difficult for people to acquire and process language. That has left Ryan with difficulty reading, spelling and writing. “If you have dyslexia, you can still reach your goals,” he said. “I remember skipping school when I was a kid all the time. . . . I was embarrassed. How come I was struggling? I’d get a spelling test and it was ridiculous. I couldn’t even get in the ballpark. So that was really frustrating.”
