If you’re on a train, plane, elephant, or any other form of public transportation; it is taboo to have a long phone conversation.  Other passengers will snicker and frequently request that you terminate your phone call.  Up until now I thought this was logical behavior.

It is conventional wisdom that any individual who requests that you terminate your phone call is doing so to protect the tranquility of travel.  They are the diplomat representing all the passengers who are also bothered by your phone convo.  But are they really standing up to defend the quiet commute?

Face-to-face conversations that occur on public transportation are commonplace.  If two people in the midst of a face-to-face conversation were told to be quiet, the usher would be painted a villain.  They would be characterized as nasty, rude and disrespectful.  But wait a minute?!  Shouldn’t a face-to-face conversation be twice as disruptive as a phone conversation?  Instead of one person talking you now have two.

Perhaps people aren’t bothered by the noise.  Perhaps they are bothered because they can’t hear what the person is saying on the other end of the phone.  People tolerate face-to-face conversation because they can eavesdrop.  The phone conversation eliminates the ability for a third party to listen in.

The next time a person breaks up one of my phone conversations I want them to say this:

“Excuse me sir, I noticed that you’re speaking on the phone.  The fellow passengers and I cannot eavesdrop on your conversation since we can’t hear what the other person is saying.  In light of our selfish tendencies, can you please hang up the call immediately.”

*if anyone knows where i can find the juggy gales prank ill buy you a fine brandy

I got a notice in the mail yesterday that said if I didn’t pay my cable bill by dusk they were going to shut off my cable, and put a claim my dog’s first litter of puppies.  In order to expedite the payment, I was instructed to pay online:

Like ever other website, before I could even move my mouse around their homepage I had to register, and then fax in (2) finger-printed copies of my birth certificate.  Optimum had me setting up secret security questions, twelve character encrypted passwords, and back-up email addresses.

Why does a company the distributes cable care so much about my account security?   What’s the worst thing that could happen if my Optimum password got in the wrong hands?  Let’s just say that Stanley Jobson (Hugh Jackman in Swordfish) happened to target my Optimum Online residential account; what’s he going to do when he gets in there?  Pay my fucking bill?  Sign me up for Showtime?  Seriously, how much damage can a hacker do if they get their hands on my Optimum ID?

We can pretend whatever you want Hayley Williams.

“Restaurants give you coleslaw for free because it’s a poor man’s salad.  From general experience I’d say that 10% of people eat the coleslaw, 50% remove the coleslaw in fear that it will come in contact with what they ordered, and 40% of people blow their brains out from the south when they see it.

Instead of coleslaw, I would like to perhaps see a small cup of animal crackers, maybe a little pile of frosted flakes, or even just an empty cup representing where the coleslaw should have been.  Hopefully restaurants will one-day understand that a la carte, means a la carte.”

~RVJ

NY Post — Reports show George Steinbrenner died July 13, 2010 of a massive heart attack.

Medical practitioners have a knack for avoiding run-of-the-mill adjectives when diagnosing a patient.  For instance, the common cough would be referred to as esophageal infirmity.  Dry eyes would be recognized as anhydrous oculus.  Limp dick is forever branded erectile dysfunction.  So for the sake of congruity, shouldn’t doctors avoid calling George Steinbrenner’s cause of death a MASSIVE heart attack?  Seems a bit callous given the oversensitive atmosphere that surrounds the most serious of medical conditions — death.

Perhaps the term ‘massive’ should be reserved to describe limp dicks: massive erectile dysfunction.  It seems like that is more suitable timing for a sudden shift into the layman’s world.  I mean, we all understand that it was massive……….that’s why he died.  There is no need to verbally dominate the condition of George’s weak heart.  Imagine walking into the dermatologist and the doctor tells you that you have a massive malignancy.  You would put your massive erectile up his diminutive derriere.  Doctors don’t use these blunt terms in diagnosis because you are alive…they cowardly wait to use them when you pass.

“George Steinbrenner fired his heart yesterday, shortly after he died.”
~The Onion

“Bob Sheppard…”Now entering heaven, George Steinbrenner…..Steinbrenner.”"
~Chris Galdi

“The Grim Reaper was seen leaving George Steinbrenner’s hospital room wearing a Red Socks hat.”
~Jim Norton

@ChrisGaldi.com is such a tard.

Does that mean that I am a tard?  Why not just say ChrisGaldi.com is a tard.  The @ sign gets nothing accomplished.  When you speak to someone you don’t say “At John, what are you doing tonight?” (Sad thing is that I bet some people actually started talking like this as of late).  I think the @name format is more of way for people to inadvertently let everyone know that they are cool & down with Twitter.  Like a Twitter gang sign.  It lets me know who blindly follows trends.

Did Twitter know that the emailmen already came up with the @ sign at least 30 years ago?  If I was going to come up with a digital Twitter gang sign it would have been the absolute value bar | .  I think it is up-and-coming.  Plus everything in it is always positive.  |The Twitter Bird’s AIDS Test|   |Mr. Myogi’s Outlook on Life|  |The Size of Phil Jackson’s Head|