Bllrrrraaattt, bllrrraattt, blllraaatt!  I’ll shake the church parking lot with this brand of funk.

MY VERSION:

AT&T VERSION:

How did the “firm-handshake” weave itself into the social fabric of the business world?  Are you trying to do business with me; or wrestle me to the floor fucker??  I don’t get it.  Am I supposed to be impressed that you can squeeze relatively hard?  Having a tight grip is not even a very exclusive trait.  Michael Cera, training for an upcoming role in “Philidelphia II”, could grip just as hard as the next guy.  The handshake is supposed to be a display of integrity and confidence; personally I think it makes you look unstable.  I begin thinking to myself, “Boy, I hope this guy is not armed.”  Why don’t we just whip out brass knuckles have a dead-arm battle and see who is the first to faint?

Damn, is this how you say wassup to each other everyday?  I wonder how you guys say bye.

NY Post — I can’t help but to think of the last guy that this Russian spy slept with.  Imagine waking up today, and you last fling (the attractive Russian pictured above), is on the cover of the New York Post for espionage.  Fire up the Vodka martinis and John Barry Orchestra.  Fuck that, I think John Barry is obligated to follow you around all day and loop the James Bond theme song while personally lighting your victory cigars.  If you find a Russian spy on the business-end of a blowjob, what else is there to accomplish in life?

That’s what I’m going to tell state troopers when they pull me over: “I’m completely sober, but it feels like I’m drunk.”  Or maybe another women: “You’re a great lover, but it feels like you suck.”  If it feels like it’s 95, it’s fucking 95.  That’s what temperature is, how hot or cold it feels.

You act like a weatherman, but it feels like you’re establishing an artificially large range of possible temperatures in order to cover your ass.

Everybody thinks about dropping all their luggage, and traveling the world.  Nearly no one actual does it.  The reason: there is a lot of fucking land out there to cover.  If you look at a map, traveling the globe seems like a daunting task.

This is a misconception.  A lot of the map is taken up by big, dumb countries.  For instance, piece of shit Russia scares more people out of global travel than a string of successful shoe-bombers.  In the back of your mind, you look at the world map and think, “Fuck, there is a lot of shit out there”.  But what you’re really eyeballing are mopes like Russia, Greenland, Canada, China; who take up a lot of space and have (2) good cities to share.  It’s like throwing an obese cripple on your football team, and then having to deal with fitting his big, idiot body on the bus.

Above you see that I deleted areas of the map that frighten people out of global travel.  Here are my reasons:

~Mainland Australian – probably about as cool & wild as western New Jersey.

~Africa – I really wanted to erase all of Africa; but then I thought that it would have made me a racist.

~Mongolia – I get a good enough taste of Mongolia when I am sweating under the eyes and pounding Mongolian Beef at P.F. Changs………pass

~Kazakhstan – Isn’t this where Borat is from?

~China – If China is so cool, then day-to-day why are there so many fucking Asians in my face?

~Canada – If Toronto and Montreal take up 1,890 square miles combined; what is going on with the other 4 million square miles of Canada?  That’s way too much Canada, waaaay too much Canada.

"Basic Pooptroleum" by ChrisGaldi.com

We can all agree that it is in BP’s best interest not spill 2.5 million gallons of their product into the ocean every day.  Am I wrong?  So why are people crucifying Tony Hayward and BP as if they intentionally leaked oil just to fuck with Americans?  This spill is the environmental equivalent of involuntary manslaughter; a neglegent mishap with catastrophic effects.  Scratch that, in this instance were are in the rare presence of the one and only involuntary fishslaughter.

So instead of bickering over who-done-it, shouldn’t we take a moment and calmly discuss the penalties for involuntary fishslaughter?  I doubt they should be so extreme as to bankrupt BP.  If I can recall correctly, United Airlines has had 13 fatal crashes in their tenure.  So if we are going to bankrupt companies for involuntary fishslaughter, shouldn’t United have filed Chapter 11 over thirteen times for involuntary manslaughter?

What I’m saying is that anything can happen; even when precautions are taken.  A small component on a plane may fail tomorrow killing 300.  I may forget to tie my shoe later and smash my frame.  Michael Moore may forget to wear suspenders and flash a little pishi.  Who knows.

First base umpire Jim Joyce “blowing” a call on what would have been the final out to complete Gallarraga’s perfect game.

Rule 7.03 B of the MLB Rules states: [On a force play] when a fielder completely secures the ball and touches the base to which such preceding runner is forced, preceding running is out.

If you look at the replay above, you clearly see that the Detroit first baseman had to re-squeeze his glove in order to completely secure the ball.  Rules are rules, the runner is safe.  Poor Jim Joyce is going to get the scarlet letter for making one of the greatest calls in the face of social-pressure.

Everybody wants to see a perfect game.  That is why people are getting on Jim Joyce’s case; they are accusing him of taking one away from the public.  But why should a kid from the Bronx (or anywhere outside of Detroit), want a Detroit pitcher to get perfect game?  Shouldn’t the rising talent of opposition lead the Bronx kid to loathe Galarraga’s run at perfection?

People don’t watch sports to see their team win the championship. Well, that is one of the reasons, but only because people watch sports to witness history.  Any type of history, the more exclusive, the better.  It just so happens that a championship occurs once a year, and every year; so it is the only guaranteed piece of history in any sport that people can eagerly anticipate.

However; when players, teams and fans state that all that matters is winning the title, they are bullshitting you.  All that matters is getting a name inscribed in the history books, or being a fan who was there to witness it happen.  Witnessing history is a means to provide social superiority over another person.  The closer your account, the more significant.  If one person says “Did you see that perfect game on TV?”  His friend may come back and say, “Yeah, I saw it in person.”  Giving the more personal account a closer connection with the event.  The person with the less direct account (maybe someone who watched a replay on ESPN), will then associate the historical event with his friend who saw it live. Doesn’t matter if the record-breaking event has anything to do with his favorite team, the fan is forever tied to an important historical event, inevitably making him cooler.

If your favorite team wins the title it is important because you invest years associating yourself to that team.  Your peers already know that you are tied to the team, therefore your need to have a intimate account of the physical event of winning a title is not as valuable (ie How You Watch the World Series). If 50,000 people fill up Yankees stadium 81 times a year, and the only thing they supposedly care about is winning the championship, shouldn’t the demand for World Series tickets be exponentially large?  Like 50,000 multiplied by 81 games large?  But that isn’t the case, in fact you can get into a World Series game for $250.  This is because people don’t feel the need to associate themselves with the event because they have already proven they are tied to the team.  However, when Mark McGuire was going to break the home-run record in 1998, bleacher tickets sold for $2000 to anybody who could get their hands on them.  Non-St. Louis Fans wanted a piece of the glory.

So was Jim Joyce’s call right or wrong?  I say right, you say wrong, but if all that matters is winning a championship, who cares?  Detroit won the game.  They are 1/162 closer to winning the title now.

I found this random YouTube reaction of someone who is admittedly not a Tigers fan (I shortened it for you).  Look how let down he becomes because he misses history.

If the Palestinians dropped their weapons, there would be no more war; yet if the Isrealis dropped their weapons, there would be no more Israel.  Why would there be no more Isreal you ask?  Because Isreal interferes with the divine injunction of Allah:

“Allah is our objective. The Prophet is our leader. The Koran is our law. Jihad is our way. Dying in the way of Allah is our highest hope.” ….OK, BUT WHY?

Although my moral posture doesn’t support religious conflict; I am still willing to stay open-minded while exploring  the ideology of the Muslim Brotherhood and their offshoot, al Qaeda. But it is hard to have sympathy toward their actions when they do not provide a logical motive.

On one occasion I encountered an educated Islamic twenty-year old and asked him why I should study The Koran. To persuade me, he told a narrative involving a giant, godly fish swimming around at the beginning of time. As he heard the nonsense pour out of his own mouth, he became defensive and embarrassed; watching as I grinned at his scramble for logic.  His tale predictably withered to a close without any factual support.  I followed up by asking “But why is the fish divine”.  His answer: because Allah says so.

All you ever hear is that the Islamic goal is the installation of Allah’s law, believed by Muslims to be divine injunction. I would love to see a respected Muslim political leader defend that mission statement on 20/20. Barbara Walters would ruin his credibility, and political career by asking (1) simple follow up question: “Why is Allah’s law correct?” How will he answer that question without sounding like a strung-out gypsy?  How!? Is he planning on busting out the fish story?  No one ever confronts the question of “Why is Allah’s law correct?” because there is not a logical answer. I can guarantee that most Islamic terrorists have never even put thought into it. Blind belief. As a matter of fact, I would bet my life that 100% of Islamics fight, not for divine injunction, yet for the following reasons:

1) They are committed to their religion. Is so massive the commitment to their beliefs, that no other truth is tolerable? They cannot accept that they were raised under false pretenses. Yes, the Muslim faith may have many good lessons, but they were written by a human, not God. If people can learn to “cut their losses” and ditch the concept of divinity, global peace would be the outcome. It is like a Knicks fan with a gambling addiction. Thinking that if he keeps betting on the Knicks that he will eventually win his money back. Just because you were raised in New York doesn’t mean that it is more profitable to bet on the Knicks. Maybe the Lakers were a better play all along. Too bad you father bought you a Starks jersey when you were six.

2) Social-proof tells them that Allah is law.  Just because your father, and your father’s father believe in Allah, doesn’t mean that it is divine.  It is also cool to be Islamic if you live in the middle east.  Everybody wants to be cool.

3) Poor Social Conditions. People in poor areas, even in America, fill up religious places because they are searching for a higher meaning of life. They will accept anything to be superior to them, in order to explain their depressing existence. A proper mix of stupidity and blatant rejection of logic are cornerstones of Allah’s law.

This is a call to all Islamics out there, please give me something to grab onto here. I am not saying your religion is phony; I just want to hear some logic to back up your actions.  I want you to prove me wrong.  If someone out there can explain to me the reason Allah’s law has divine injunction, divine enough to kill/die over, I will convert to Muslim immediately. In fact, I bet everybody else would as well, even Israelis.

This video sums up religious conflict

How OLD are you Mr. Sinclair?
I’m 33.
Well Mr. Sinclair, you’ve probably got no fucking idea what I’m talking about. By your 9th birthday, I was running BlackOps into China and my men were responsible for over two-hundred enemy kills. Now someone put some rigging tape over Mr. Sinclair’s mouth, he’s wasting my time.