CNN.com - Nine Secret Service members have resigned or are being forced out because of the Columbian prostitution controversy, with three others cleared of the most serious allegations but still facing possible administrative discipline.

We are told 12 secret service members messed around with a hooker and didn't pay – as a result 9 of them are fired and 3 face possible administrative discipline.  Let me translate that news story for you:

This is what really happened…

Twelve secret service agents arrived in Columbia one day before Obama and decided to go to a bar to kill time.  A relatively hot hooker approaches one of them and offers to fuck the group of $800.  They get drunk and take her back to their hotel.  They become slightly chauvinistic and verbally degrade her.  She refuses to have sex with any of them but still wants the $800 she was promised.  They give her $30 for a cab & her time, and she complains to police that they didn't pay her the $800.  The police find out they are US Secret Service agents and sell the information to a US news outlet.  To save face the US is forced to fire nine agents, and three are kept because they are really fucking good at the Secret Service.

So the story is not really about sleazy Secret Service agents, but it is more about breach of contract.  Can you only fellate and still expect full-rate?  The hooker repudiated her agreement because she did not want the agents to encroach upon her easement.  It is a pretty cut-and-dry breach of contact.  

The odds of winning the $640M Mega Millions jackpot is 1 in 176 million.  The after tax payout  is currently $224 million, making a $1 bet on the lottery a fair wager for the first time in its history (without multiple winners).  With the jackpot so high, it is also one of the rare occasions where people are THRILLED to pay a tax.

The lottery functions as a tax:  The $640 million jackpot will make the government $121 million dollars, and people are fired-up to pay it.  There is nothing wrong with getting excited about the lottery – this is coming from a guy who is willing to lose $400 trying to roll 12's in a game of craps.  The issue is that people pay waaay more than they should trying to win a bet with 1:176M odds.  People will pay $100 in lottery taxes, meanwhile they'll have $65 in their bank account.

We can all agree that most people lose the lottery, so when you see a crowd of people eagerly looking to buy tickets, realize that this is a line of people excited to pay government taxes.  Best.  Scam. Ever.  And I'm not some conspiracy guy, but I wouldn't be surprised if they rigged the lottery for a month or two so that the jackpot keeps rolling over like it has been.  This causes the "lottery frenzy" that gets even the upper class to pay their fair share of lottery taxes.  Occupy Wall St wanted the 1% to pay their fair share, and the government was listening.  Think about it, it is a victimless crime.  The government is still paying out to a winner, but they just hold out for a few months to inflate the rate of lottery tax on the masses.  Why wouldn't they do this?  I would be mad at government officials if they did not artificially engineer a frenzy every now and then.  If they need money for the schools – why not just hold out on picking a winner for two months?

I find it comical that this lottery tax fever coincides perfectly with tax season.  It's almost like they timed it so that the IRS will have an easier time balancing their books.

Sorry that I'm a cynical asshole who is cursed with logic, just know that I paid my $10 in lottery taxes – $10 they never would have received if not for the jackpot rollovers.

This commercial makes me feel more awkward than watching Strip Tease with my parents while grounded.  It just makes me feel really funny.  It looks like something Dee from Always Sunny in Philidephia would make and then get abused by Dennis for making it.

My #1 pet peeve is the phrase pet peeve.  My #2 pet peeve is when people say "stay out of trouble" instead of "goodbye" or "see you later".  For instance – I'll say "Nice seeing you John"…..then John will say, "Good seeing you too Chris, stay out of trouble."

It really throws a wrench in my entire thought process.  I have to pat myself down just to see if the handle of a pistol is poking out of the back of my jeans or something.  Why the fuck would you use "stay out of trouble" as a goodbye?  Did my eye have a murderous twitch during our convesation or something???  There are few situations where I would actually tell someone to "stay out of trouble" following a conversation.  Maybe if I was visting someone in prison who was to be paroled pending one more month of good behavior, I would maybe say "Good seeing you, stay out of trouble."  But even then I would still feel uncomfortable saying it.  It's just fucking rude.

From now on when someone says "Good seeing you Chris, stay out of trouble" – I'm going to come back and hit him with "Good seeing you John, you stay out of jail as well."  Maybe that'll get them to take a second to listen to their choice of words for a goodbye.  I feel like these people must just be terrible with words.  At funerals they probably say "my bad" instead of "I'm sorry".  

My #3 pet peeve is when people say "Good seeing you Chris, be safe."  Do I look like I am going to fucking hurt myself?  Is my appearance THAT unstable that you must remind me of my own safety?  Hypothetically, say I was some nut who was about to jeopardize my life, you really think your "Be Safe" is going to save me?  If anything it is going to drive me over the edge.  

I was going to drive my car off this cliff with my kids in the trunk, but then I remembered Suzy the hair stylist told me to be safe, and Bob the bartended told me to "Stay out of Trouble", so I pumped the brakes and joined the church instead.

There are two targets; right above a guy's upper lip and right below his lower lip.  What you do is get at him with two hard, quick bows.  You go over the top with a HARD RIP to his upper lip, and then you go under the lid with a second follow up blow to his high chin.  The result is, if done right…you're going to bloody his gums.  Two streams of blood are going to pour out of the two corners of his lips (see below).

Regardless of what the context of the situation was before the HITS, after an assault like that the guy is going to react in only (1) way.  It does not matter if you were fighting with him before, or if he was just sitting there.  Inevitably, he is going to have one reaction: he is going to start yelling, put up his arms and charge at you.  With his arms up, his mouth open, and blood coming out of the corners of his mouth, he will look like Dracula, hence getting "dracked".

Obviously, the guy is going to be shook after getting dracked, and even though he is going to be coming at you, it's going to be a pretty easy fight to close out.  The guy is going to be frazzled and his fighting-form is going to be garbage after the dracking.  What you have on your hands now is the ability to "stake" him, like staking and killing a vampire.  As Dracula is charging at you with his bloody mouth and his flailing arms, you deliver a swift, stiff, four-finger poke to his throat, and you stake him down, putting him out of commission.

Taking it to the next level…

If you really want to clown someone with a dracking, you're going to want to set the stage a little bit before the dracking.  You're going to want to subtly give the guy the appearance of a vampire.  Anything that resembles a cape or a slick hair style is preferred.  The perfect stage for a dracking is a guy sitting in a barber chair.  Here's why:

• He has the hair cutting smock on, which will eventually serve to be his cape
• His hair is soaking wet and slicked back for the trim, giving him the Dracula sheen
• He is sitting in a nice low chair, which is the perfect level for the two hits to the gums

Steve Nash before getting Dracked

Steve Nash after getting Dracked

Jason Segel before getting Dracked

Jason Segal after getting Dracked

I enjoy March Madness, it fires up strangers and consequently raises bar morale.  What I dislike about March Madness is my fucking bracket.  When you get a pick wrong Yahoo marks it with a giant red strike-though.  As of today, they have only played 1/3,000th of the games and my bracket already looks like an inner-city teenage black girl's graded sex-ed test.  I actually get every pick wrong.  So much so that I think I have a hidden talent.  If someone chose the opposite of my picks they would have every pick right.  

I'm bothered by people who brag about their brackets.  No one knows what the fuck it going on.  There is too much player turnover in college ball, it's a new team of guys every two years.  Even if you followed the sport you couldn't watch one tenth of the games because there are hundreds of schools.  March Madness is the only time of the year that guys are girls know the same amount about a sport.  Seriously, I knew only (3) things about college basketball before filling out my bracket: 1) that Syracuse was in trouble because their star player was too dumb to get D's on his report card……2) Duke is not "about" black people………And 3) Space Jam.

Duke lost the other night because Coach K refuses to recruit athletic black kids because he wants to run these complex, meaningless offensive schemes so he can take all the credit for wins.  The result is his dorky team that gets ran on by beasts with no game plan.

It's hard to be frugal after you go to a titty bar.  It really is.  You are paying $20 a minute to have some stank ass hooker shake her shit in your face.  Then the next day you expect yourself to choose CVS brand deodorant over Old Spice brand because it will save you sixty cents.  It would take over 30 cheap buys before you made back that one twenty – that's a lot of leg work.  If you simply decline (1) lap dance you essentially bought yourself the ability to sustain from being a cheap fuck for one month.  You want the imported lager?  You got it.  You want to take a cab instead of the train, hop right on in Sire.  Just don't put them titties in your face.  Once you do it, saving money seems trivial.  An absolute waste of time.  

The bathroom attendant at titty bars capitalizes most on this recess from saving.  This weird fuck stands around in strip club bathrooms and probably makes more money than me.  You have no problem handing this jerk-off a $5 because you just handed some trick two-fifty.  And he comes off as cool because you associate him with strippers.  This guy is odd, don't forget that.  It's not like they asked him to bartend and he said that he would rather work the urinals.  He is what I would consider a smart bum.  Not doing shit and making more than he should for it.  

I hate washing my hands before leaving the bathroom.  This guy's only role in my mind is the apply a little hand-washing peer-pressure, and then you have to fucking pay him for it.  It's like tipping your homeroom teacher for making sure you showed up to school on time.  But since you're spending money like Rick Ross on a warm Tuesday, this shit flies.

Know what would be funny?  Throwing Rick Ross is a space suit against his will.

I was actively depriving myself of sleep the other night by watching episodes of True Life on MTV at 2am.  An episode came on about a girl who has OCD.  She thought that her mother would die if she didn't engage in certain compulsive behavior throughout her day.  For instance, if she didn't touch the door three times before walking through it she thought that her mom was going to get stuffed in a tomb.  Fucked up right?  The episode revolved around a psychiatrist and her mother trying to convince the daughter with OCD that strange tasks didn't control her mother's fait.

I can tell you what is going on here – this is all the lazy mother's fault.  I guarantee that when this poor girl was a baby, and she wasn't eating all her Cheerios her mother would say, "If you don't eat them all something bad might happen to me or daddy."  Most parents are fucked up; after all, they are just kids who grew up.  Parents pull this shit all the time.  Take Santa Claus for instance, if you act out around Christmas an "imaginary character" (your parents), are going to fuck you over on presents.  Supernatural threats get through to children.  Parents then get greedy using the Santa lie and start using things in its place all year long.  Want to up the stakes, put your life on the line, why the fuck not?  If the little bastard isn't brushing his teeth tell him that daddy will get an inoperable tumor at the base of his spine, that'll get the little fuckers teeth to shine.  

Then the mother has the balls to ham it up on TV, acting as if she has no idea why her poor daughter has this psychological condition.  She should be sent to jail.  Shit's not right.  To make it worse the daughter grew up hot.  This mother engineered a sexy booby trap that is going to lure men all over into sticking their dick in crazy – all because she wanted to take a few shortcuts.

Soulless fuck.  Hell-bound, devilish, sinner.  That's what Jeremy Lin is.  A man without a soul. 

All I'm saying is that If anyone has ever sold their soul to the devil for something in return, it is Jeremy Lin.  A six foot two inch, Harvard graduated Asian is randomly born with the talent to turn around the Knicks and the entire NBA?  I don't think so.  You don't get to that level as a white Asian by hitting the gym and studying game tape, you get to that level by inking your soul to the unholy ghost.  If not him, then who; who is selling their soul to the devil?  It's not Bradley Cooper.  Fuck it, if he didn't make it in Hollywood he would have simply screwed a bunch of hot chicks in a Malibu shack and called it a life.  No incentive to sling soul there.  Jeremy Lin on the other hand was just an average Asian who wanted to up the ante, so he traded his ghost for Harvard smarts and basketball skill.  If you are a religious person you can not argue this logic.  In my mind there are only two people who have ever pawned off their souls, Jeremy Lin and Barack Obama.  Black President?  Yeah, OK..

My mother was just telling me how she saw all the Asians in Chinatown cheering for Lin and watching the Knicks games.  I'm like what the fuck are you doing in Chinatown MA????  But seriously, she's like, "It's so typical that they would only start watching basketball when an Asian gets good."  I'm like, MA?  I would be fucking revved up like a gorilla in handcuffs if I was living in China and then out of nowhere some goomba from Bayonne starts rough-housing Chinamen in ping-pong.  Imagine you grow up as an American abroad in China, all everyone around looks at is ping pong (a sport controlled by Asians), then some five foot two inch grease ball comes out of nowhere and starts pummeling gooks on their own turf?  That's gold and I'm buying a front row seat for it.  It's a good day for the Asians and basketball, congratulations.  I just hope I never run into Lin in the afterlife.

Notice:  Stop comparing Jeremy Lin to Tim Tebow.  Tim Tebow is a publicity stunt.  He had a worse passer rating that Sanchez, and went 8-5 as a starter while attributing Denver's defensive success to his quarterbacking skill.  Lin on the other hand averages 30 points and 10 assists per game, all-star numbers.  The guy fucking beat Kobe in basketball.  If Tim Tebow was a basketball player he would comparatively get 8 points per game and hit one big three down the stretch.  Statistically that is all that Tebow is worth, don't get it twisted.  Comparing Jeremy to him is a Linsult to the entire Asian community.