It's hard to be frugal after you go to a titty bar.  It really is.  You are paying $20 a minute to have some stank ass hooker shake her shit in your face.  Then the next day you expect yourself to choose CVS brand deodorant over Old Spice brand because it will save you sixty cents.  It would take over 30 cheap buys before you made back that one twenty – that's a lot of leg work.  If you simply decline (1) lap dance you essentially bought yourself the ability to sustain from being a cheap fuck for one month.  You want the imported lager?  You got it.  You want to take a cab instead of the train, hop right on in Sire.  Just don't put them titties in your face.  Once you do it, saving money seems trivial.  An absolute waste of time.  

The bathroom attendant at titty bars capitalizes most on this recess from saving.  This weird fuck stands around in strip club bathrooms and probably makes more money than me.  You have no problem handing this jerk-off a $5 because you just handed some trick two-fifty.  And he comes off as cool because you associate him with strippers.  This guy is odd, don't forget that.  It's not like they asked him to bartend and he said that he would rather work the urinals.  He is what I would consider a smart bum.  Not doing shit and making more than he should for it.  

I hate washing my hands before leaving the bathroom.  This guy's only role in my mind is the apply a little hand-washing peer-pressure, and then you have to fucking pay him for it.  It's like tipping your homeroom teacher for making sure you showed up to school on time.  But since you're spending money like Rick Ross on a warm Tuesday, this shit flies.

Know what would be funny?  Throwing Rick Ross is a space suit against his will.

I was actively depriving myself of sleep the other night by watching episodes of True Life on MTV at 2am.  An episode came on about a girl who has OCD.  She thought that her mother would die if she didn't engage in certain compulsive behavior throughout her day.  For instance, if she didn't touch the door three times before walking through it she thought that her mom was going to get stuffed in a tomb.  Fucked up right?  The episode revolved around a psychiatrist and her mother trying to convince the daughter with OCD that strange tasks didn't control her mother's fait.

I can tell you what is going on here – this is all the lazy mother's fault.  I guarantee that when this poor girl was a baby, and she wasn't eating all her Cheerios her mother would say, "If you don't eat them all something bad might happen to me or daddy."  Most parents are fucked up; after all, they are just kids who grew up.  Parents pull this shit all the time.  Take Santa Claus for instance, if you act out around Christmas an "imaginary character" (your parents), are going to fuck you over on presents.  Supernatural threats get through to children.  Parents then get greedy using the Santa lie and start using things in its place all year long.  Want to up the stakes, put your life on the line, why the fuck not?  If the little bastard isn't brushing his teeth tell him that daddy will get an inoperable tumor at the base of his spine, that'll get the little fuckers teeth to shine.  

Then the mother has the balls to ham it up on TV, acting as if she has no idea why her poor daughter has this psychological condition.  She should be sent to jail.  Shit's not right.  To make it worse the daughter grew up hot.  This mother engineered a sexy booby trap that is going to lure men all over into sticking their dick in crazy – all because she wanted to take a few shortcuts.

Soulless fuck.  Hell-bound, devilish, sinner.  That's what Jeremy Lin is.  A man without a soul. 

All I'm saying is that If anyone has ever sold their soul to the devil for something in return, it is Jeremy Lin.  A six foot two inch, Harvard graduated Asian is randomly born with the talent to turn around the Knicks and the entire NBA?  I don't think so.  You don't get to that level as a white Asian by hitting the gym and studying game tape, you get to that level by inking your soul to the unholy ghost.  If not him, then who; who is selling their soul to the devil?  It's not Bradley Cooper.  Fuck it, if he didn't make it in Hollywood he would have simply screwed a bunch of hot chicks in a Malibu shack and called it a life.  No incentive to sling soul there.  Jeremy Lin on the other hand was just an average Asian who wanted to up the ante, so he traded his ghost for Harvard smarts and basketball skill.  If you are a religious person you can not argue this logic.  In my mind there are only two people who have ever pawned off their souls, Jeremy Lin and Barack Obama.  Black President?  Yeah, OK..

My mother was just telling me how she saw all the Asians in Chinatown cheering for Lin and watching the Knicks games.  I'm like what the fuck are you doing in Chinatown MA????  But seriously, she's like, "It's so typical that they would only start watching basketball when an Asian gets good."  I'm like, MA?  I would be fucking revved up like a gorilla in handcuffs if I was living in China and then out of nowhere some goomba from Bayonne starts rough-housing Chinamen in ping-pong.  Imagine you grow up as an American abroad in China, all everyone around looks at is ping pong (a sport controlled by Asians), then some five foot two inch grease ball comes out of nowhere and starts pummeling gooks on their own turf?  That's gold and I'm buying a front row seat for it.  It's a good day for the Asians and basketball, congratulations.  I just hope I never run into Lin in the afterlife.

Notice:  Stop comparing Jeremy Lin to Tim Tebow.  Tim Tebow is a publicity stunt.  He had a worse passer rating that Sanchez, and went 8-5 as a starter while attributing Denver's defensive success to his quarterbacking skill.  Lin on the other hand averages 30 points and 10 assists per game, all-star numbers.  The guy fucking beat Kobe in basketball.  If Tim Tebow was a basketball player he would comparatively get 8 points per game and hit one big three down the stretch.  Statistically that is all that Tebow is worth, don't get it twisted.  Comparing Jeremy to him is a Linsult to the entire Asian community.

It is simple.  Hollywood has to temporarily lower the price of movies/music so that it is easier to pay for content than it is to find the bootleg link and wait for it to download.  If you charged me $1.00 to rent a movie in HD and stream it to my TV, I would pay every time.  But right now they charge $5.00 to rent a movie, and at that price it's more economical for me to pirate it.  Music would have to cost even less than movies, say a nickel per song as opposed to $1.  It's just the harsh reality that producers are not willing to face.

The trick would be that after a year of holding prices freakishly low, they could start slowly raising prices again.  With a song costing a nickel a download, a "cheap" stigma would be tied to downloading illegal content instead of the frugal-hacker association it has today.  If you walked in on a friend downloading a song on Pirate Bay that costs a nickel on iTunes, you would say "Quit being a Jew dude, just get it on iTunes."  Once the pricing is low and everyone gets used to the simplicity and quality of industry endorsed downloading interfaces, it would be difficult to return to the Wild Wild West where people have to search for Australian links and sort through quality.  

Long story short, I order a sandwich and a local joint, and some creature comes out from the back and starts wipping this thing up without gloves on.  It was so bad I say, "Where are your gloves?"  He tells me that it's OK because he washed 'em.  I fucking left.  Couldn't deal.  The smell from his forearms was getting on the meats, I know it.  The standard rule is that "employees must wash their hands before returning to work" – this guy needed to sanitize himself with kerosene and a lighter

theadvertiser.com - Seamen have expressed almost universal outrage at Capt. Francesco Schettino, who faces possible charges of manslaughter, causing a shipwreck and abandoning his crippled cruise ship off Tuscany while passengers were still on board.

Would you have stayed on that thing?  Capt. Schettino is catching a lot of grief for abandoning ship, but there are few people who would stay on board:  Mark Wahberg would have stayed on board, I would have stayed on board – but why would you expect Captain Schettino?  

How do people have the nerve to call someone a coward in a era were you get sued for giving a stranger CPR incorrectly?  The other day Mark Whalberg merely "spoke" about cutting up terrorists on 9/11 and now he is getting the scarlet letter.  We are bred to be obedient pussies.  On nyc.gov, it tells you that if you see a crime to do (2) things: 1)  Call 911 immediately. 2)  Be observant and make mental notes.

It has become a moral obligation and a social expectation to AVOID helping others in danger.  On an airplane you are told to put your mask on first before helping others.  Even if Schettino stayed on board, how is he even going to help these people?  He was trained to drive a boat, not to carry slobs off an inverted hull.  In that situation passengers have one goal, get the fuck off the boat.  You don't need some gumba captain from Naples to tell you that.  Not to mention, have you ever seen the size of your typical cruise line passenger?  These people float around the Mediterranean eating buffet food.  You could just roll these slobs into the sea and they would bob like apples.  You expect Schettino to lift one off a ship.  That's asking a lot.

Some people claim, well he crashed the ship so it's his responsibility to stay on board.  So he should punish himself for making an error?  When someone crashes a full car it's not their responsibility to wait in the burning car with the trapped passengers until police arrive.  If they can get out of danger they get out of danger.  What you are witnessing is all the people who saw the captain in the movie Titanic go down with the ship – now everyone thinks that's what should happen.  Remember how many people that captain helped by staying on board?  None.  He only killed himself like a moron.  And that's where the hypocrisy comes into play: people tell Mark Walhberg he is not a real life hero who would stop the terror attacks, yet they expect Schettino to follow the moral code of a movie character who didn't even have enough life rafts.  You can't pick and choose.

I understand that the captain of Titianic was obviosly based on a real person, but no one would have had the image of a "captain going down with a ship" if not for Titianic the movie.

Peyton Manning is the most valuable player of the NFL this year – and he didn't play in a single game.  Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady and Drew Brees are good quarterbacks, but not one of them is the most valuable player of the league.  MVP is supposed to go to the key player in the NFL who is most valuable to their team, and whose play is the key to the entire teams' sucess.  

The Colts went 2-14 this year because Peyton was hurt.  Peyton Manning is essentially an entire NFL team.  There are 22 starting players on the Colts, yet when Peyton got replaced they lost 80% more games than in the previous years – all because 1/22nd of the team was replaced.  

You may argue that if Rodgers was hurt the same thing would happen to the Pack; or if Brady was out the Pats would be lost – Wrong.  Just look at the Packer's backup QB Matt Flynn, who made his second career start on Sunday and torched the Detroit Lions for 480 passing yards and six touchdowns while Rodgers rode the pine.  And remember Matt Castle on the Patriots?  The Patriots went 11-5 in 2008 and beat the Jets twice while Brady was out.  Those are great teams with good quarterbacks.  The Colts however are a shitty team with the Most Valuable Player to ever play the game.  By not throwing a single ball this year he consequentially should win this award; I don't see how you could argue that?

All Santa's toys had the words "Made in China" engraved on the bottom.  I guess Santa was so busy that he had to sub out most of his work to Asian sweat shops.

Back in the day "Santa" went into my basement in the middle of the night and painted a basketball free throw line on our new wooden dance floor and hung a basketball hoop off the ceiling.  It was amazing.  I was just confused as to why my father wasn't pissed that Santa took it upon himself to vandalize his brand new dance floor.

Santa is married to Mrs. Claus.  She is old and wrinkly.  I know he's not shallow, but come on.  We are talking about a guy who stops time to deliver goods to children.  Couldn't he have stopped the clock on her face?

Two losers walk into the loser factory.  The factory manager comes out from the back and says, "I didn't know we had a recall".

If you watch The Wonder Years without voice over narraration, 95% of the time it's just people creepily staring at eachother.

No six words terrify me as much as, "You know who you look like?" For me it's usually Cologero from A Bronx Tale, or some gumba that they went to highschool with.  No one ever says, "You know who you look like?  A young George Clooney."

Clint Howard

Even if you do look like a young George Clooney, people are going to find a way to justify you looking like Clint Howard.  That's just the way she goes.  At the end of the day I'm pumped that the atoms in my face lined up in a similar pattern to those of Cologero, the guy is fucking handsome.

Sonny: What's your name, kid?
Calogero 'C' Anello: Calogero.
Sonny: That's a long name. Don't you have a nickname?
Calogero 'C' Anello: No.
Sonny: What do your friends call you?
Calogero 'C' Anello: Calogero.
Sonny: That makes sense.