I don’t follow surfing, but I assumed that kick-flips were a very basic surf trick.  Similar in difficulty to performing a reverse dunk in a dunk contest.  I still don’t believe that this is actually the first time anyone ever did a kick-flip on a surfboard. The guy flipped his board effortlessly.  Imagine if a dude like Shaun White focused on surfing?  He would be doing double-corks by 2014.  What surfing needs is ramps anchored into the sand.  So that surfers can catch a wave and then aim at one of the ramps and launch.  This would increase the amount of height the surfers get, and therefore increase the risk of injury, consequently increasing the popularity of surfing.

Anybody ever hear of a website called Hoboken411?  Its purpose is to hate on the city of Hoboken.  They are devoted to banning and vilifying the St. Paddy’s Day Parade.  Just so you don’t give them any traffic, I’ll break down the layout of the shoddy site:

• Ad Banner
• Ad Banner
• Groupon Link
• Verizon Ad
• Really Shitty Blog Ripping on the St. Paddys Day Parade
• Ad
• Police Blotter
• Shameless Ad

It is a page filled with shameless ads, and squeezed in between them are poorly written, hate-filled rants discussing how much Hoboken sucks.  Check out the picture they put on their site to represent the St. Patrick’s Day parade (above).  Out of all the fun that went on this past Saturday, they felt that a masked man wielding a 9″ black blade summed up the day’s events best.  At least give him a green blade and show some St. Patrick’s pride.  I would bet you anything that this site is run by a 65 year old divorced woman.  All they do over there is copy what was in the police blotter to their site, and then bitch about it.  It should be called Hoboken911.

So, because of tireless complaining by the selfish writers of Hoboken411, the parade has been moved to a Wednesday next year. I don’t understand why these city officials tend to every complaint of the elderly.  In Hoboken there are 20 thousand households, out of which only 10% have children under the age of 18 living with them.  This is a city of young drinkers who look forward to this day.  Do you know how many people from neighboring cities discover Hoboken because of the parade?  At least four times on Saturday I heard someone from out of town say, “wow Hoboken is really nice.”  These are the people who will eventually come back to Hoboken.  New Yorkers come in and see that Hoboken is a great town, and then they come back.  If you put that parade on a Wednesday these people will never come.  The real estate market in Hoboken will suffer; retail and alcohol sales will suffer.  Not to mention, most of the violence during the parade is classified as simple assault.  A simple assault is an old lady way to say “fight”.  It’s not like people come to the parade and just start sticking people with knives.  Theses fights would have taken place to matter what.  But if you increase the amount of people in your city on any given day the fights are bound to increase proportionally with the visitors.

And what are they accomplishing by moving the parade to a Wednesday?  They are punishing people who are employed.  Their thinking is that if the parade is on a Wednesday, people with jobs will not be able to get drunk on the night before they work.  Bravo.  Way to punish the people supporting the welfare system and unemployment.  Who do you think pays for the social security checks of the old lady who writes Hoboken411?  I do.  The people who enjoy the St. Paddy’s day parade on Saturdays do.

I could never understand why people would sign up for Twitter.  I never understood why so many people needed to get short, timely updates from people they didn’t know.  And then ‘it’ happened…..  Earlier today, at around 10am,  I found myself needing a Twitter account.  It become suddenly vital for me, Chris Galdi, to receive short, timely updates from Charlie Sheen.  It was a revelation.  Charlie Sheen is my Justin Bieber:  Little girls need Bieber updates, teenage girls need Kardashian updates, and grown men need Sheen updates.  Thank you Twitter, I’m sorry I doubted you.

TV Line – The 83rd Annual Academy Awards attracted 37.6 million viewers, down 10 percent from last year’s telecast (which drew 41.7 million). Among adults 18-49, the drop was a more severe 12 percent.

I know why ratings were down.  Because the 3-1/2 hour show gave “The King’s Speech” the best film award and three other Oscars.  People are catching onto the predictable bullshit of the Oscars.  The “King’s Speech” straight up was not the best movie of the year; period.  So why would people want to watch a predictable awards show which incorrectly gives out awards?

This is the perfect time for the Golden Globes to step out of the shadow of the Oscars.  All they need to do is hire Ricky Gervais to host, and then give the best movie award to the best movie.  The Oscars would disappear.

**Not to mention, Colin Firth won the best actor award for portraying an English man with a speech impediment.  Seems like he wasn’t acting in the movie, it was more of a self-portrayal….

I feel ya Bernie.  I was just saying that shit last week brotha.  In a related note, I don’t know who Ponzi is, but I feel like it’s time to start calling it a Madoff Scheme.  Let’s call a spade a spade and a scheme a scheme.

I watch paid programming at 3am.  Not because I want to.  It’s typically a consequence of binge drinking,  followed by a 20 piece nugget in front of the TV, and then not having the energy to locate the remote control when I’m done with the nuggets.  Who would think that eating 2200 calories would make you lethargic?  Calories are human energy.  It should fuel you up for a-day-and-a-half, but it doesn’t.  You’re left starving the next morning and paralyzed that night while trapped in a purgatory of paid programming.

My question becomes….are 100% of the people who watch paid programming at 3am shit faced, immobile retards? You’re either hammered while watching, or part of a small but elite collection of underground shopaholics with insomnia.  I feel like it is either one group or the other, no in-between.  Hypothetically, let’s say you’re NOT drunk, and you do NOT have a compulsive desire to shop at dark.  That would mean you willingly looked through the cable guide, saw paid programming, and clicked on it because you were in the mood for some good paid programming.  Why would you willingly watch commercials?  I don’t get it?  That would be like waiting in line at Great Adventure when the park is closed.

Another thing…they don’t even disguise the paid programming as something cool in the cable guide.  It literally says ‘PAID PROGRAMMING’.   They wouldn’t have to try too hard to fool America at 3am.  They could call it ‘WACKY THINGS EMPORIUM’ and I’m signing up.  It just seems like such a terrible idea to fill channels with straight commercials at night and then call them commercials.  But is it a bad idea?  Well according to tapebeat.com, over $150 billion of consumer products in the U.S. are sold through infomercials.  It blows my mind how many people are choosing to watch commercials and still paying psychics?  Just imagine how much money this group throws at internet pop-up ads.  You see pop-up ads as a nuisance, but most people see them as ‘a fun opportunity to buy a CD for the chance at winning (10) iPads‘.  Shit like this really troubles me.  There are $150 BILLION dollars worth of retard monies out there, and none of it is coming my direction.  It think it’s time for me to start a pop-up ad company and retire.  What am I waiting for?

“Bat shit”

Sit, stand, lay and kneel. At all times during your life you are doing (1) of these.  And I only threw in ‘kneel‘ because you can technically live on your knees.  But to be honest, if life positions were vowels, kneeling would be the letter ‘y’.

Sometimes I wonder what a pie graph would look like of the percentage of time I’m doing each of these.  I think I am a 45% sitter, 25% stander, 30% layer and 0% kneeler.  And I’m only saying that I never kneel because I’m a touch homophobic.  I’m probably more like a 0.001% kneeler……if that.

It’s strange how these fundamental living positions could be used against us.  When people are sitting and talking, I prefer to stand around the perimeter of the convo.  People do NOT enjoy this type of behavior.  They look up and say to me “would you just sit, we’re all sitting down here“.   They hate standers so much that they will go as far as offering you their own chair.  What is wrong with standing in on a sitting conversation?  I guess I kind of come off like a snobby stander.  I could understand if this was a special occasion, and we were all kneeling and talking; but it’s a sitting convo.  You’re going to tell me that you’re all not at least 40% sitters???  Give me a fucking break and let me stand in.  You all could use some standing yourselves.

Laying can be thrown in your face also.  If you’re out at a bar with dudes, and you ask your girlfriend what she is doing through a text message, one of the worst answers you could get back from her is (2) words….”I’m laying“.  Oh yeah…you’re fucking laying????  In case you didn’t check out my ‘Life Positions’ pie graph, I’m laying a lot.  Like 30 % of my life.  And I bet you fall somewhere around that percentage also.  We all know what this message really means, right?  It means “I’m in bed willing to have sex with you, and if you don’t have the desire to leave your friends, come back right now, and fuck me I’m going to use it against you tommorrow.”  How the hell does “I’m laying” translate into all that??  We only have (3) fundamental living positions, and laying is one of them…but women found a way to turn laying into a secret code for have another whisky and I have your balls.

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