Go to a restaurant. Use a credit card to pay for your meal. When the waiter comes back with the receipt for you sign and leave his tip, casually say this, “Hey, would you mind adding a cup of coffee to the bill?”

100% of the time they will say “don’t worry about it, I’ll just get you one”. Why do they do this? Because their tip is about to be determined and it would be a bitch to re-swipe the card. Also the amount of coffee served can’t be monitored by their manager since coffee is just water filtered through beans. It may seem petty, but a cup costs around $2. If you go out to eat once a week for the rest of your life, that’s around 4200 cups of Karl – multiply that by the cost of a cup ($2) and we are talking about almost eight grand. Assume 3000 people read this article, that would mean I just saved ChrisGaldi.com readers 24 million dollars – $8000 x 3000.

There are (2) light switches in every residential bathroom: One switch that turns on dark jazz-lounge lighting, and one switch that simultaneously turns on a normal light AND a jet engine.  Why doesn’t the fan have its own dedicated light switch?  They don’t wire the best light switch in the kitchen to also operate the garbage disposal.  So why are we forced to listen to that loud propeller everytime we want some decent bathroom lighting?

If you ever had roommates, or used a bathroom next to a sibling, you’ll know that it’s awkward to throw on that light/fan combo early in the morning if they are still sleeping.  It’s loud, and it comes off as a bit rude.  You’re choosing optimal bathroom illumination OVER their rest, and if woken they will duly take note.  You shouldn’t have to be making such big decisions like this naked at 6am.  It should be light OR fan.  Light OR fan.  Early morning bathroom etiquette says to keep the fan off and also aim your piss stream just above the water level into the side of the bowl so that it doesn’t make the splashing waterfall noise – if you are a considerate person you already know this.

It gets worse.  If you do drop some of that foul in the bathroom and you actually need to ventilate the room, the fan is nearly useless.  And since it’s wired with the light, you are essentially creating a showcase of smell when you turn on the fan.  Anyone who passes will hear the fan and see the light, and their reaction will be to open the door and shut off the light – at which point they will confront your filth.  It’s a classic stink trap.

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NJ Transit feels it’s imperative to put a sign above the sink that says “DON’T DRINK THE WATER”.  I feel like this sign is advice, rather than a warning.  It’s really NJ Transit giving us a wink and a nudge while hinting to just “wash your hands later”.  This goes much deeper than just preventing a deranged loon from wrestling down a jaw-full of NJ Transit bathroom tap.  For those cheap fucks to take the time to produce a sign, that water must be out-of-line.  I wouldn’t doubt if it is just a closed loop system pumping water straight out of the bowl onto your mits.  Water is water.  You don’t see this type of sign in airplane bathrooms, and they also have to deal with the same type of rapidly moving bathroom situation as NJ Transit.  I’ll tell you what, I wouldn’t even wash my car with that fucking water.  Seasoned torture artists would quote Articles out of the Geneva Convention before waterboarding a terrorist with NJ train water.  The only thing they are missing is a second sign that says “DO NOT WASH HANDS BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK”.

According to OccupyWallStreet.org, their mission is to fight back against the power of major banks and corporations over the democratic process.  At the end of the day what they really want is less debt and a better job.  For the most part these are college graduates who cannot find a career that will pay enough to finance their student loans.

According to ACENET.edu, the average student graduates college with $20,000 worth of student debt and ~$500 in their checking account.  They signed up for college under the false assumption that when they graduate they will easily find a position that could pay off this debt – and then some.  What they are finding out is that a college diploma is no longer an automatic ticket you exchange for a top tier job.  You also need to be smart, ambitious and valuable to the corporation.  There are jobs out there, they are just not the jobs these people feel they deserve.  Everyday I pass “Now Hiring” signs in the windows of several stores.  Maybe these people should not have went to college in the first place?  And I’m not saying they are dumb, but at the current cost of tuition college is a terrible investment – and it shouldn’t be that way.

OccupyWallStreet.org also claims that the movement is inspired by popular uprisings in Egypt and Tunisia.  Let’s be clear about something, America is NOT Egypt or Tunisia.  It’s more than a stretch to compare what’s going on here versus Egypt, Libya, and Tunisia. What happened in those countries is more comparable to what happened during our Revolutionary War.  These countries have legitimately repressive leaders.  Before the Arab Spring, if you didn’t agree with those in power, you wouldn’t be heard of again.

When the protests end here, the protesters won’t be rounded up and killed. Sure the police have done some fucked up things here in the US, but then again, just because you’re protesting doesn’t give you the right to do whatever the fuck you want.

Let’s have the protesters in Syria do a life swap with the OWS gang. The OWSers would stop protesting because they would be scared. And the Syrian protesters would stop protesting because they would be thrilled to live with American rights in a low American class. It’s all relative.

If these people really want to make an impact, they should occupy their college campuses and protest for lower tuition costs and cheaper books.  That way kids could still go to college and graduate without the burden of finding a six-figure salary.  Not to mention, these protests would actually work.  Imagine trying to show freshman recruits the campus and in the main courtyard there are unshaven, unemployed alumni?  No one would go to the school.  And it would be very difficult to kick alumni off their campus without looking evil.

You might say that the colleges need this money to operate.  Wrong.  The Harvard endowment is $26.6 billion and it makes an 11% return per year.  Most schools have endowments that clear $1 billion.  In academia, whoever has the biggest endowment has the biggest dick.  It’s funny how they call it a non-profit and then just put the profits in something called an endowment and all is fair.  Then after you graduate they want you to donate into it?  I see that as no different than donating money to General Electric.

So stop occupying Wall Street, CEOs don’t give a fuck about you.  Occupy your colleges and help make a difference by lowering the debt burden on the lower, younger class.

Do NOT go to http://i.imgur.com/BYYse.jpg. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.  I didn’t like it.

Why does Rotten Tomatoes constantly rank children’s movies so high?  Whenever they release a new kid’s movie critics collectively start humming on its asshole, they’ll give it 100% positive reviews, no joke.  I guarantee that The Muppets is unbearable for anyone over the age of 14.  Not only that, but it’s recycled material.  I’ll tell you why they give it good reviews, because Jim Henson is dead and The Muppets are a quote-unquote “classic”.  Fuck you Hollywood.

How do you throw The Muppets a 98% and then splash “Me, Myself and Irene” with a 48 bomb.  I just checked and even Arthur’s Christmas scored a 92%.  These are not good all-around movies.  Maybe they are decent kids movies, but then put them in separate categories like they do in minor league baseball.  If a guy is batting .404 in double A, you don’t go around saying he’s a .404 major league baseball hitter.

RIGHT IN THE COCK.

His goal was to fall and get hit in the cock with the surfboard right?  He didn’t set up a pool, or a trampoline, or a mat?  So the entire thing was staged for disaster.  I actually believe that had he stayed on the board his injuries would have been much more severe.  With that being said, I rate this as a fail – not because the surfboard hit his cock, but because his lack of coordination prevented him from sustaining crippling injuries, which are much more hilarious than a just another video of a guy taking a shot in the rider.

Why are banks so big?  When I say big, I do not mean “big” as in giant, greedy corporations.  I mean big as in large.  Look at the fucking size of the TD bank on Newark Street in Hoboken (NOTE: if you say TD Bank fast it sounds like you’re saying Titty Bank with a Hispanic accent).
Judging by the way they hang the signs in the windows you would think that the Roman Pantheon defaulted and got repossessed.  There is just no need for that much size.

When you walk in, there is only one teller standing behind one of the 48 open teller booths; and you have to walk across a football field of marble just to get to her station.  Each step echoing behind you as if you’re walking down a court room corridor to deliver a guilty verdict that sends an innocent man to the chair.  When you finally get to the front you usually don’t deposit monies, or withdraw a large sum of cash, or look cool in any way that would represent the grandeur of the branch.  Nine times out of ten you ask her where they keep the Penny Arcade – and with shame retreat to the corner where you are asked in an automated, patronizing, childish voice if you want to “guess how much money you have saved”.  At first you get mad at the taunting, childish tone.  Then with shame you type in your guess, count your change, and realize you fucked up your guess by $80.

The point I’m making is that banks don’t need to challenge the size of Caesar’s in Vegas.  They would do just fine operating out of a bagel shop.  It’s all a facade to make you think that your monies are safe as shit with them.  But in reality what they should do is operate out of smaller shops, and pass the savings down to customers in the form of lower rates.  Imagine what the rent is on that Hoboken Titty Bank?

55-thousand page views in 2 days.  I would have made some serious interneds monies if I ran ads on the site – but I don’t run ads because I’m baus as Fuck.  Send me a message if you were the one who linked it and I will send you a free ChrisGaldi.com tee-shirt.  They are all sized small thru large because I’m sick of free shirts being XXXL.  I’m making a stand right here, and right now.  We are the sizes of S-L, and WE are the 99%.

Cindy, I put you on the naughty list because you sucked (1) too many dicks this year. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Supposedly if Santa thinks you were a cunt all year he puts coal in your stocking for punishment.  Does Santa know that Christmas falls right in the middle of football season?  Right when people are outside tailgating in 15 degree weather?  Yo, Santa, coal is a hot commodity bro.  It’s not a punishment.  If I wrote a Christmas list right now, underneath cigarettes it would say coal.

If he really wants to punish people he should fill up stockings with Twilight books, erasable pens and chocolate Skittles.  Any sort of useless trinket that makes you want to end your life.