November 6, 2009
When the first sports team I followed won the championship (NY Yankees 1996), I was happy, but the journey was over and felt a bit of emptiness. Teams fight all year to win, whether it be a World Series, Superbowl or even Stanley Cup while devoted fans follow. After all the ups and downs during the seaon, the joy of victory only ends up lasting for about as long as Eli Manning in bed. To correct this, I propose that winning teams wear flashy championship jerseys the whole next season to remind fans, opponents, and opponents’ fans that yes, we fucking won and we are the defending champions. I’m sick of fans of shitty teams saying, “well that was last year, this is a new season.” Think about how much sweeter winning would be knowing that it will be rubbed in everyones’ face the entire next season. The obvious downside is following up the championship with a losing season. Imagine if the 1998 Florida Marlins were forced to wear flashy gear while dropping a 54-108 (.333) record, it would be about as brutal as this glorious escalator leap transitioned into face plant:
November 4, 2009
Picture by ChrisGaldi.com of Vince
His name may be Vince, but the guy pictured above is the furthest damn thing from human. Vince is so dumb that he pisses in the sink to save money on the electric bill. Vince is so dumb that he sold his Mini Cooper for gas money. He is so dumb that he eats all his food to save it for later. But no matter how many stupid things one dog can do, he will always have a firm concept of self-awareness….or does he?
Vince knows that he is not a human; right? I mean he sleeps in a cage and shits on a lawn; but then again, so does Mike Tyson. So I came to thinking, what makes me believe that I am a human?
1) Interacting/Speaking with Humans and Human Media
2) My Reflection
From the best of my knowledge I cannot say that Vince speaks English, or for that matter could read. His barks are as much a form of expression as an infant’s cry; and by no regards a language. As a result, no one has ever called Vince a name like: ugly, cute, smart, stupid, K-9; and had it register. Vince doesn’t Wikipedia human attributes and check to see if he has them; mainly because he downloaded too many torrents and his laptop crashed.
When Vince looks in a mirror he doesn’t make eye contact with his reflection. This really fucking bothers me. When ever he is about to pass by a reflective oven or a low-mirror, I hold my breath for ‘the revealing’. The revealing of Vince as a dog. Logic would expect him to double-take his image and then bark at in heated frustration that he is not human. Walk by, and then spit out his coffee. A similar reaction as to when Morpheus tells Neo that his entire life was simulated.
Let’s face it, when it comes to demographics in Wyckoff, NJ; Vince is in the minority. So much so that he rarely comes face-to-face with another dog. Vince is plagued to look at, and hang out with humans all day long. Over time his concept of a reflection became the physical bodies of other humans he sees. It is much like Tarzan who grew up with apes, and over time believes that he is an ape. Vince is the dog version of Tarzan, except without Jane and balls. Sorry buddy, castration’s a bitch.
November 2, 2009
Created by ChrisGaldi.com
Baseball managers are as influential to the outcome of a game as an enthusiastic parent in the stands. They are there to keep morale high and pull pitchers. So flash back to game one, when Charlie Manuel’s ego was revving so high that he decided to force Cliff Lee to throw 122 pitches. Was the complete game shutout really worth it? Does Charlie Manuel have Cliff Lee on his fantasy roster? I know closer Brad Lidge is terrible, but a six run cushion should be enough to pull Lee.
The result: CC Sabathia VS Joe Blanton in game four. King Kong VS “A Jonas Brothers Sing-Along”. Not only was Cliff Lee’s arm still in pain from that unnecessary complete game, but now if the series goes seven games we will once again see Blanton instead of a lethal Cliff Lee. So Charlie, let me ask you, what do you think people are going to remember more…your blowout complete game? or a blown out ace? Fucking idiot.
October 30, 2009
October 29, 2009
Philadelphia — Phillies’ fan Susan Finkelstein tried trading sex for World Series tickets through a Craig’s List ad. She was arrested on Tuesday at a Philadelphia bar after discussing her ad with the undercover policeman.
Question…Why are Philadelphia police officers scouring Craig’s List for a World Series ticket sex market? I can find you 130 internet hookers in Philly right now on eros.com. Fuck, I can find you 30 hookers in the flesh on Pattison Ave without even using my Blackberry’s browser. Undercover stings don’t need to unfold in order to prosecute Philadelphia street hookers. This is just a basic case of Philly cops looking to sell their tickets to a local whore for a BJ. There is no middle ground when it comes to people from Philly: Either they’re looking to suck your dick for a tick; or they want to get a rub in return for their stub. They feed off of random primal impulses.
October 28, 2009
New York
V.S.
Philadelphia
Wait, is that Staten Island; or an actual panoramic picture of the entire city of Philadelphia? In 1776 Philadelphia was the social and geographical center of the original 13 American colonies. They had a free pass at becoming the largest city in America….and they fucked it up! For Christ sake, they had Benjamin fucking Franklin vouching for them and they still fell victim to the power of NY. Philly is like Lance Bass of N’Sync. He started off with the same exact economic opportunities as Justin Timberlake (N.Y.C.), but never succeeded and consequently went gay.
Philadelphia reporters are bitterly writing about NY because their thongs slid up their ass cracks when they saw today’s cover of the NY Post:
New York Post Cover
If the Philadelphia Inquirer ever had a picture of A Rod wearing skirt on their cover:
a) New Yorkers would not find out about it (who reads the Philadelphia Inquirer outside of Philadelphia?)
b) We wouldn’t even be bothered by the images because we know that under A-Rod’s skirt would be a baseball bat that’s not only hitting .438, but is also hitting Kate Hudson’s cookie.
Congratulations Philadelphia:
2nd Best National League Record this Year
2nd Largest urban area under 160 sq miles
2nd Largest East Coast consumer media market
2nd Largest city in the British Empire (1700s)
2nd Place in 2009 World Series
Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter
Word Mayor Nutter…Word.
October 27, 2009
Is the Guy on the Right an Old Navy Mannequin?
If your inviting me to a party, and then tell me that it’s going to be a night of debauchery, please be advised that I will take it literally. And not literally as in, “I will literally kill myself if it rains this weekend”…literally as in, “Canned tuna literally smells like a hookers V.J.”.
Dictionary.com
Debauchery is a form of intemperance; an excessive or immoderate indulgence in alcoholic beverages; lack of moderation or due restraint, as in action or speech; excessive indulgence of appetite or passion; an act or instance of any of these: a long series of intemperances.
So let me ask you again…Are you sure you really want me to bring that flavor of heat to your party? Or are you just some preppy social cripple who is trying to crawl into the drinking world? Is it a night of debauchery; or a night of soft-chat and cocktails? Because I don’t want to get scammed into thinking we all want debauchery, and then see sour faces when the cops are handcuffing me in your foyer while I’m squirming around like a loose goldfish.
I can do some fucking debauchery, and if your talking about it, that means you can’t. People who fuck around with debauchery don’t talk about it, it just kind of happens. Handcuffs, car bombs, ripped jeans, ripped assholes, bouncers, torches, tazers, blazers, angry neighbors and mother fucking light sabers. You sure you want me to hit you in the fucking nuts with your momma’s paper weights? Are you sure? Cause that’s how I deal during a night of debauchery.
So please, all I’m asking is that you call a spade a spade. If your having a “house party”, then I will respectfully come to your house and party. If you having a “social mixer”, I will respectfully come to your house with a bottle and some mixers. But if your hosting a “night of debauchery”, hide the ax because I’m bringing the anthrax. Who wants a hit?
October 27, 2009
“Daylight savings time ends on Sunday November 1, 2009 at 2:00 A.M. The clock is set to go back (1) hour at this time. That means that parties held on Halloween night (10/31) are going to be one hour longer.”
Wow Reginald, a real fact that’s actually relevant. Thanks.
Unfolding the City of Scaffolding
I don’t understand why this was a god damn news story. Channel 7 crews hit the scene to record a taxi cab accident with zero fatalities. Are people surprised that the cabs crashed in scaffolding? Maybe they haven’t noticed, but every sidewalk in New York is draped in scaffolding. At street level the city of New York looks like a K’Nex erector set.
Up until now I was under the impression that the scaffolding was somehow a critical structural member of the average New York high rise. However, this accident confirms that that the NY buildings can stand independently of the scaffolding. So is it possible that these “temporary” structures are enduringly ineffective elements of Gotham? Other than providing cover for a late-night rape and something for Spiderman to swing from, what other function does the scaffolding provide? Are they intended to be an obstacle course for roller bladers?
Mayor Bloomberg and Bill Thompson are currently battling it out for NYC Mayor. Maybe one of them should base their campaign around the removal of the scaffolding. They would win my vote; that is if I lived in New York and wasn’t a convicted felon.