October 27, 2009
Rick Allen of Def Leppard
Rick Allen is the current drummer for the rock band Def Leppard. He is famous for overcoming the complete amputation of his left arm in a botched drag race, and continuing to play with the band. He is looked at as motivation for all aspiring musicians in America.
I was fine with CBS news taking a moment out of this mornings broadcast to air a motivational montage for the drummer of Def Leppard’s upcoming birthday. I just have a problem with CBS news pitching it as a motivational story. Seeing this news report was not motivational, it was actually the absolute worst way I could start my day. By comparison Rick makes me feel as though everything that I accomplish with two arms is futile. I went to bed proud that I had a job and a college degree; and woke up ashamed that I didn’t do it legless. And this constantly happens to me. I will be revved up about skiing a double black diamond; then by the time I get to the lodge people are buzzing about a cripple skiing the same slope on his fucking elbows. How high do I have to set the bar with all my extremities to match the accomplishments of these handicapped all-stars? Seems to me like America would achieve much more with everyone down a limb.
October 26, 2009
If logic served us right, NFL referees should be sidelined more often than Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb combined. During a normal game, top caliber athletes are aggressively trying to allude defensive men as linebackers lunge to tackle them, all the while average sized referees stand in the middle. If all-pro DB’s are often fooled by wide outs, how are refs supposed to keep up? It is like putting a child in a UFC cage during a Brock Lesner PPV bout.
My question is this: After they mopped this official off the field, was there a back up ref to replace him? Can you actually make a real career as a second string NFL ref? Because what if an officiating crew had a day similar to the Met’s season, where all their top talent goes down? You can’t just replace top quality refs with Gene Hackman and Kenu Reeves. You just can’t.
Get Out of There Baby Referee!!
October 26, 2009
Would You Eat Me Now?
In college, people tend to consume combinations of food that would send a hungry dog running. Peanut butter and mayo, scrambled eggs and chili, cottage cheese and black pepper. Although these combinations are odd, they are for the most part someone’s personal preference. However, in America, odd combinations exist that are actually socially acceptable.
Mustard and Soft Pretzels:
A packet of mustard is served hand-in-hand with a soft pretzel like a condom with STD test results. But how did that trend start, and why did it spread? It is essentially just bread, salt, and mustard. If I took Wonder Bread, salted the inside, covered it in mustard and ate it as a sandwich, I would be committed as insane.
Melted Cheese and Steak:
Philadelphia is known for their famous Philli cheese steak. Cheese Whiz or sliced cheddar is melted on top of thinly cut steak. The only reason this combo is socially acceptable is because of the thickness of the steak. We are also OK with melting cheese on minute steak because they too, are thinly cut. But what is the cut-off point as to when a steak is too thick to melt cheese on it? You sure as fuck cannot melt Craft Singles on a 24 oz porterhouse, people would think you lost your fucking mind. Why does steak thickness dictate our culinary sanity?
Blue Cheese and Anything:
Blue cheese is molded cheese. Why don’t you just move to Japan and start eating dog?…I really don’t see the difference. Moldy food is moldy food. Just because a few loons in the past deemed it as socially acceptable to pound moldy food doesn’t mean you should. Whoever started eating molded cheese probably did it because they didn’t have any other options. The blue cheese was the card they were dealt, so that had to eat it. In a world of hundreds of variations of cheeses, do not settle on expired dairy.
Cans of Tuna and ‘ChrisGaldi’s':
I take it as a personal insult if someone eats a can of tuna anywhere near me. When I smell it I think to myself, “Are you fucking serious?” The next time someone opens a can of tuna near me, I’m going to sit next to them while eating my dog’s kibble and simultaneously fart till I shit my pants. Same net result as eating that can of preserved cat food.
October 23, 2009
“If two guys claim that they “double-teamed” a chick; it usually means that one guy fucked the girl, and the other was grinning with his dick out.”
~RVJ
October 21, 2009
October 21, 2009
Ripped out of Maxim Magazine
I was a little shocked when I found out that an ex-cologne of mine came out of the closet. I guess I should have taken that bulge on the bottle at face value when I was buying it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get any chicks in middle school, because I smelt like a gay club. And what is this ad doing on the pages of a Maxim magazine? Or a better question, what is Adam Lambert doing on this naked model? Touche Galdi….touche.
October 21, 2009
You Don't Need those Matches Son. It's an Electronic Cigarette!
I’m stocking up on electronic cigarettes and 5 Hour Energies again. No, not for personal inventory; I’m giving them out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween. Now instead of mothers spending time disposing of potentially poisoned chocolates, they will be more concerned with their child who is grinding their jaw and smoking a cigarette. Why check for more poison if they already look fucked up?
But seriously, what is the deal with our fear of people sticking drugs, razor blades, or poison inside candy? Who gets off on that? Let’s assume that there actually is some weird freak out there who is looking to poison a child. He wouldn’t even get to see the kid go down. Unless by chance the sicko happens to encounter a really fat child who eats his candy immediately on the front stoop. But even so, then he would have to deal with a really fat poisoned kid on his front stoop. Seems like more of a chore rather than a source of illicit arousal. This leads me to conclude that there is no probable cause to poison via trick-or-treat bag. I should work for the Hershey’s public relations dept.
Wikipedia: “There have been no recorded incidents of deliberately poisoned candy during Halloween or any similar occasion.”
Created by ChrisGaldi.com
October 20, 2009
Created by ChrisGaldi.com
The only reason I even remembered this guy’s name is because he made (3) bad calls in the fourth game of the ALCS, giving Joe Buck a window of opportunity to say the two words “Tim Mcclelland” thirty-five times. The windfall of Joe Buck’s “Tim McClelland” shout-outs was triggered when Joe Buck said it the first time, and then enjoyed the way relevant information sounded coming out of his mouth.
Umps are white noise unless they muff a call or have a powerful strikeout signal. Let’s just say McClelland wasn’t working the plate last night.
Angels catcher Mike Napoli appears to tag out both Robinson Cano and Jorge Posada in the fifth inning, but only Posada is called out by third-base umpire Tim McClelland.
October 20, 2009
It is hard to ignore the recent drop in temperature. And as the degrees diminish so does that summer mentality we all love. But I am an optimist, so I want to point out some of the things about the summer that I will not miss:
1) Burning the inside of my fucking forearms on the metal of the seat belt buckle. The outside layer of the sun is only 6000°C. So then explain to me how that buckle idols at 6001°C?
2) Bad golf outings. People enjoy golf because of that one day they shot a good round. The problem is they then fool themselves into thinking that they should always shoot that score or better. Therefore, a normal day of golf involves schlepping around a bag of sticks through humidity while pissed off; pissed off that you are in fact shooting your average round. It’s a Catch 22 that you won’t have to catch in the winter.
3) Gnats. For some reason there is a ‘G’ in front on the word nat. Their light mass makes them immune to flailing hand swats. They are impenetrable like the alien saucers in Independence Day prior to Jeff Goldblum uploading the computer virus into the alien mothership.
4) People asking me why I’m not wearing shorts when I go out to bars. Mind your own business, I like pants. Plus in the summer it’s like 75° at night in NJ; you don’t live in West Palm Beach, deal with it.
5) Dealing with the aftermath of dragging your sweating body through the lawn. By the time your done scratching your back it ends up looking like a Burberry bag filled with crushed tomatoes.
Created by ChrisGaldi.com
Medical Marijuana Stores
Restaurant owners have told me that you have to cut through a shit load of red-tape in order to obtain a state liquor licence. So then who’s fish do you have to tickle to get a United States sealed document allowing you to sling weed? And when I say sling, I am refering to ownership of the store pictured above. Like where do you even begin that process? Do you call up the town hall and and tell the county clerk that you want to fill out a drug dealer application? Or can you print it online? Also, when you apply for your loan, do you show up at the Bank of America with a professional business plan explaining how chronic is more profitable than shwag?
Riddle me this…if they are tagging weed as a prescription drug, then why isn’t it being distributed through pharmacies? Imagine the chaos that would ensue if little clubs started popping up called Medical Percocet Dispensaries? “Pills heere, Got Ya Pills Heeeeear!”
Created by ChrisGaldi.com