If all toaster ovens have glass doors to see inside, then why don’t all vertical toasters have glass walls as well?  I don’t butter my toast before putting it in the toaster, however I am not against trying new things.  Every glass walled toaster I have ever seen is just a concept.  Concepts are merely objects of thought, like the Great Wall of China.  I hope to start seeing these things readily available at a reasonable price by 2012.

~Reginald VelJohnson

Concept Glass Toaster not in Production

Do dolphins have penises?  Do they retract?  Are they big?  I never really put much thought into dolphin dick prior to seeing this video of a dolphin raping a man.  After seeing it I can draw a few conclusions:

1) Dolphins will either save your ass or rape your ass.
2) When you’re a dolphin you can rape guys and it can be approved by an audience.
3) A dolphin’s penis may not be seen by a camera positioned 15 feet away.

 I would expect #1 and #2, because everyone loves swimming with dolphins.  I’ve swam with dolphins.  I’ve rubbed my hand across their belly as they swam by.  But, I can’t remember touching their tip.

Since dolphins are smart, strong, sleek, fast mammals; I would expect them to have a nice 24″ blue circumcised cock with balls.  Not the case.  As you can see in the shocking picture below, dolphins have what appears to be a gypsy finger in the spot where their penis should be.

And we all thought the term “Bottlenose” dolphin was referring to their face.  How can something that fucks up sharks have such a small and strange dick?  Looks like the meat you pull out of a crab claw.  Looks like something that would fall into Michael Jackson’s bowl of soup.  No wonder they keep it tucked away inside their abdomen, they don’t want to get mocked by penguin passerbys.  Yes, penguins can be mean, and at most times are mean.  I wouldn’t doubt it if they were going to base Free Willy on a Bottlenose dolphin until they realized the irony in naming a dolphin movie Free Willy.

In the 1800′s, cocaine was originally useful as a topical anesthetic in eye, tooth and nasal surgery.  In other words doctors would rub coke in your mouth before ripping at your gums, or sprinkle a little ‘C’ in your eye ball before hacking away at your retinas.  By looking at David at the dentist, it is clear that medical professionals have made the subtle, yet necessary modern day switch from coke to mushrooms as the go to form of topical anesthetics.

So this raises the question – would you rather be coked up or hallucinating during a root canal?  I don’t think there is a clear answer.  Reminds me of the time I put a humidifier and a de-humidifier in the same room and left them to fight it out.  Disillusionment has it’s benefits, but so does a mouth full of free coke paid for by Blue Cross/Blue Shield.  Imagine being coked up in a dentist chair.  Wide eyed and smiling as a masked man saws away at your bone.  Sounds like an unrated DVD extra out of Jim Carey’s The Mask.

Drugs will never disappear from medicine because people will always prefer to be fucked up during surgery VS sober.  It’s a no brainer.  Like watching a Youtube video and expecting people not to click “Skip this Ad”.  Does anyone ever not click “Skip the Ad”?  No.  And no one ever chooses not to get gassed out by the Dentist.

FOX News – Simon Cowell’s X Factor premiers tonight, looking every bit like American Idol without Randy Jackson.

I have a serious question – Who is Randy Jackson and why was he a judge on American Idol?  I’m not trying to be arrogant – Who the fuck is Randy Jackson??  America accepts him as a background persona on Idol, but how did he get there in the first place?  He lacks star-power and vitality much like a Chad Kroeger hard-on; however he scored a seat on America’s most watched show.  Put it this way, after ten seasons of Idol Randy Jackson would have a tough time getting Real Housewife Michaele Salahi in bed.  And his punchline – “Yo Dawg” - sounds like a line borrowed from the Johnny Bananas pilot.  Which is one of the many reasons why he is appropriately being replaced by Randy Jackson 2.0 on the new rendition of American Idol, titled The X Factor.

Fox’s new 2012 model of Randy Jackson is producer L.A. Reid, whose striking similarities to Jackson can only be discerned by looking at his completed resume.  And what a breath of fresh air.  I don’t watch these TV talent shows, but their accessibility in media outlets makes it impossible to avoid a dose of Jackson during Idol season.  And that’s the last thing I need – Randy Jackson dominating my News Feed.  Randy Jackson did for American Idol what the LI Serial Killer did for Gilgo Beach – and not too far off from what J-Lo is doing for Fiat in their new car commercials.  Simon Cowell realized this and aptly made the appropriate changes, saving his own career.

What is with our morbid infatuation over 9/11?  I’m talking about the whole “never forget” thing?  I feel like 9/11 is something we should forget.  Well not completely, but we shouldn’t dwell on the attack.  We should remember the lives of the people who died, but shouldn’t remember their cause of death.  We are setting up memorials around pieces of mangled steel from the towers.  Am I really the only person who sees this as a dark, over-the-top obsession?  If you die in a car accident you don’t make a memorial of the person by enshrining the car wreckage and twisted steel.  And the waterfalls at the site of WTC I & II freak me the fuck out.  A permanent reminder of mass murder.  And that’s exactly what the terrorists wanted us to do.  They want us to remember that day forever.  So how do we thank them, by making a memorial of their successful attack.  Not to mention, well over half a billion* dollars was spent building the memorial.  Sell the land to a developer and use the proceeds to pay for the medical bills of first responders.  And stop calling it ground zero like we are still under fire.  It’s called Battery Park City.  We refer to it like it is perpetually in the cross-hairs of an Iraqi missile.  The bottom line is that most people are mentally morose, and they are more obsessed with the death of thousands than the remembrance of actual individuals.  The most Youtubed video search yesterday was “First Plane Hits Tower”.   Enough said.

*Thanks to Jason Pullman with correction

Why do we have American style names for European countries?  And I’m not talking about places like Greece, where the traditional Greek spelling is Ελλάς.  We needed to come up with an American name for Ελλάς because most Americans would have a tough time pronouncing (E) (broomstick) (broomstick) (a) (one-hitter).

I am however wondering why we refer to Deutschland as Germany?  And why do we call Polska – Poland?  If its name is Polska, why should we change it at all?  We do the same thing with the first names of foreigners.  If a wild foreigner approaches with the name Pitalababah, we will call him Peter.  That’s not his name.

In all honesty, the first names of foreigners are often convoluted and filled with more harsh sounds than a Clint Eastwood vocal solo.  So it’s in our best interest, as well as theirs, to dumb it down and make it more familiar so it can be remembered.  But in the case of European states, there are only around 50.  There is no reason why we have to simplify their names for memory.  It almost feels like some fifth grader ran for student council and actually followed through with one of his election day promises:

If you elect me for fifth grade student council president, I promise to change the name of Osterreich to Austria so that we all can pass geography!!!!!

It really feels like that’s the way it went.  Either that, or it is possibly a matter of conflicting perceptions; perhaps Deutschland stands for “we the people”, and Germany stands for “those idiots over there”.  Regardless, if Deutschland translated as ”We Are the Best” in German, then that’s what we ought to call them unless we take them over.  If you have your own country you have the right to be called whatever you want to be.  If I had a country I would name it Funky Bazookatown, and all the people who lived there would be called Bazooka Joes.  You’re Italian, I’m a Bazooka Joe, get used to it.

Queens – David Gussin of Queens says he invented the “everything” bagel sometime around 1980, when, in a stroke of inspiration, he married poppy seeds with sesame seeds, salt, onion and more.

The longtime New Yorker remembers gliding into the Howard Beach bakery on hockey skates for his first day of work. He was fresh from a practice with the Canarsie Cougars. He makes no claim to excellence as a player. “I stunk,” he says. But as a baker, he was visionary.  However many other bakers beg to differ.

In my experience an everything bagel has only five components: 1) sesame, 2) poppy, 3) onion, 4) garlic, and 5) salt.  But never any cinnamon raisins and blueberries.  You can argue that an everything bagel would not taste good with raisins and blueberries; but that’s what the word “everything” means.  You need to have a representative of each bagel on the everything bagel in order to call it an everything bagel.  Imagine the disgust throughout the cinnamon raisin community when they realized that they were cut out by onions?  Fucking onions?!   The same people who like onion bagels call first dibs on yellow Gatorade and green Fla-Vor-Ice pops.  That’s something no one can argue.

NEW YORK (AP) —  It’s called a “meeting bowl.” It’s a 5-foot-tall capsule that provides seating, and discussion opportunities, for up to eight people.

The three new “meeting bowls” also will prompt people to record and share dialogue with smartphones or laptops.  An artist made them with hopes of uniting fellow New Yorkers.

 

Don’t some “artists” make you sick?  They pretend that they are all about peace, and uniting people, and saving the planet.  You want to help people, namelessly donate monies to the homeless.  Building giant bowls of Ramen noodles to hold random groups of tired foreigners is just a pathetic ploy to attract personal attention.  I know I’m being a touch cynical, but these chairs are not going to unite fellow New Yorkers.  Anyone who sits in there looking for random discussion is just going to talk about how “totally awesome of an idea it is to put chairs like this in New York.  OMG!!”  They can also discuss their thoughts on the latest iPhone release and all the cool apps they downloaded.  Do these people have jobs? Or do they just walk around spending other peoples funds while cramming into uncomfortable cup chairs?  This is the same group of people who lounge around at 2pm discussing the negative effects of consumerism on society while sipping on a Starbucks latte.

Does warm water or cold water hydrate your body better?  Neither, they both hydrate you the same.

I have no science to back this up, but I always drink my water at room temperature because too hot or too cold prevents me from using my preferred method which is drink half the bottle in a single pull.

So as a sample size of one, I personally get hydrated most quickly by having the water neither too hot or too cold, but just right.

Fuck wits me again and that’ll be all.

Sincerely,
RVJ