People take all this swearing business waaay too seriously.  Have you ever encountered one of these people who makes you swear over the littlest shit?  And they always escalate the swearing.  Here, I’ll show you what I mean by a making a terribly drawn comic:

It’s like these people actually believe that if you break a swear someone will die.  Hypothetically, say you DO believe that swearing creates an unbreakable supernatural curse; don’t you think that’s an over-the-top request to put on a friend just to seal a promise?  Don’t you think terrorists would have been using swearing to assassinate people instead on strapping on suicide bombs.  Osama bin Laden could tell another terrorist friend that he “swears on Obama’s life” that he will meet him for lunch.  The he just won’t show.  That’s the power swearing would have if it got into the wrong hands?

NY City – An appeals court overturned a conviction against Eric Kenley (6′-4″ 400 lbs), charged with driving the getaway car in two robberies in downtown Manhattan back in 2007.  They didn’t include any other 400 pounders in his police lineup, so he will now face a retrial — one that won’t allow in lineup evidence.

If I was convicted of a crime, and they put me in a police lineup with all Asians; I would look at the cop and be like, “Woah, what’s going on with all the Asians?”  That is just not fair.  And neither is putting a 400 pounder in a police lineup with all normal sized people.  It would be like playing Guess Who with a loaded deck.  It would be like playing Battle Ship against an opponent who only floats air force carriers.  It would be like playing Monopoly against Rick Ross.  Know what I’m sayin’?  But that’s not even what I’m concerned about when I read this story.  My concern is over a 400 lb getaway driver?  Weight should NOT effect driving performance, but there is just something fundamentally not smart about signing on a whale for a getaway driver.  Seems like it would increase your odds of getting caught.  I thought long and hard about why this is the case, and I have no reason as to why I think this way.  I guess when you’re thinking about a getaway you conjure up an image of speed, an image that 400 pounders never tied down.  And I can’t be too far off, because this guy got caught.

Is anyone else getting really excited for this hurricane?  I’m asking if anyone else is getting fired up like a gorilla on coke?  Because I am.  And it’s not because I’m excited to stare at gale force winds.  I’m excited to see the looks on the faces of all the people who boarded up their windows and stocked up on food for a little bit of drissel (sp?).  Call New Jersey smelly, call it fucking foul.  But one thing you can’t call it is a haven for natural disaster.  We don’t get hurricanes; we get the remnants of Hurricanes.  People in Cuba and shit have to deal with real Hurricanes.  This is like Rapture round #2 for me.  Everyone over exaggerating over something that is certainly not going to happen.  My mother just called me and told me to get to high ground this weekend.  High fucking ground??  Momma you know I can swim.  If we got hit with a tsunami I would simply throw on my trunks and piss in it like I do in all forms of pooling water.  Mayor Bloomberg wants to evacuate the city?  Yeah, because he didn’t hire enough snow plow drivers during the winter blizzard and his approval rating dropped 20%.  He is just covering his ass.  The hype ain’t real.  Manasquan will flood like it always does, but NYC and Hoboken will carry on.

*Disclaimer:  If you are a senior citizen this article is not for you.  Seniors die when the climate deviates any bit away from sunny with a warm breeze.  Seniors get pneumonia if the AC is turned up too high in iHop.  If you are a senior here is my advice: stock up on food, board your windows, and may god have mercy on your soul.

No matter how many pairs of socks I buy,  I will never have more than 8 pairs in active circulation.  And it’s definitely not because I throw them away.  I buy new socks, and they just disappear.  And to make things worse, the nicer the sock the quicker it disappears.  Under Armour socks are gone before I even get home from Foot Locker.  Hanes socks see the dryer maybe a-half-a-dozen times before vanishing.  However, a pair of extra large tube socks will last me a solid eight years.  And wind up with a pair of seasonal dress socks and you’re stuck with them forever.  I have a pair of black dress socks with a nativity scene on them from 1989.  To be honest there is almost something endearing about their presence in my sock draw.  It’s probably the only common denominator that has actively been part of my life since grade school.  Plus they grow with age.  You buy these things with a size 4 foot and you can wear them when you’re 20.  And that’s the strangest part, that I throw them on sometimes.  Every month or two comes a day when I’ve dirtied all the normal socks, ripped through all the tube socks, and was forced to slide on the holiday dress socks.  It’s the last line of defense before having to reaching in the hamper and wear a pair of foul foot soldiers.  The warning track of socks, and they’ve been with you since the tooth fairy.

Interviews are just a politically correct way to ensure that a potential employee doesn’t look like a haunting frick. If I had to breast a new hire with interview questions, one that I would ask him/her is this:

WHY do you think that cops chose NOT to use paint balls filled with mace as a form of non-lethal force?

A few assumptions are made in this interview question:

1) Paint balls filled with mace may have been produced, however, at some point in time a decision was made NOT to distribute them.

2) There are both pros and cons associated to paintballs filled with mace.

3) What if THEY had bullets filled with lead?

SO how do you answer this question if asked? Paint balls filled with mace are undoubtedly valuable as a form of non-lethal force. How can you argue that? There are few things that could subdue a forthcoming loomer better than hay seekers filled with horse heat. That’s easy. Any panic-aggressive line-sniffer would be more than happy to throw on the couch collars rather than pay a load of red to the eye rings. So obviously paint balls filled with mace seem like the go-to form of non-lethal attack for the 5-0. Right?

Wrong. If you made it rain red hell on the cheek of a frisky asthmatic, you could find yourself locked up in the hitter taking poop piles in plain site.  That’s something we all know.  It’s a legal risk that could throw cops in the slammer.  Grow up.

Just kidding, just kidding.  But you know the Vivid guy went from six to midnight with ideas when he heard Anthony was hitting the streets free.

Right now everyone is reasonably bugging out about Casey Anthony’s innocent verdict.  I agree that the verdict was a surprise, and came of out of nowhere like the ref in this video at the :7s mark:

However, people have to realize that our court system isn’t innocent until proven guilty. You are innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Someone may be guilty in everyone’s eyes, but if there isn’t enough evidence to support a complete guilty verdict, the person walks.  The test for reasonable doubt is so very high because the court would rather let 1000 guilty Casey Anthony’s go than sentence 1 innocent one.  It’s hard to argue with.  Just today, a Singaporean man was cleared of murder after six years in jail.  In a lynch mob scenario, where sensationalist media coverage is geared for attention, do you really think it is smart to dish out death penalties from your armchair?  Although it seems as though there is a 95%+ chance that Anthony killed her child, there just wasn’t enough solid evidence to convict her (according to the jury).  If you convict based on a 95% likelihood, then 1 out of 20 people indicted for murder will be murdered by the state (through false death penalties).  You could get a good look at Casey Anthony’s ass by hanging out on a noose, but wouldn’t you rather just take the jury’s word for it?

Please don’t hurt me after reading this, I also think she’s guilty; but I wasn’t on the jury so I don’t know for sure.  No one does, except for her and her parents.

Can’t believe it took them that long to fix this.

Texting on the road is knowingly the most dangerous thing I do on a regular basis.  Getting out an entire message requires that you don’t look at the road for a full two minutes.  I’ve been in the middle of typing a message, and then realized that I haven’t peeked at the road in at least 20 seconds.  It’s actually kind of impressive.  I think it’s controlled by the same part of the brain that can read through 2 pages of a book and not remember a single sentence.  It funny, because sometimes after typing a message, I’ll be thinking: “how the fuck did I just stare straight down for all that time”.  I’ll try to replicate not looking at the road and I can’t.  It’s like my steering hand goes on autopilot.  Scary shit.  And the irony of the whole thing it that I would rather make a phone call instead of texting, where I could look at the road and talk, but that’s illegal.

Do NOT go to 1guy1jar.org.  Don’t do it.  It’s not worth it.

What, you don’t think the brother could pay right now?