When you’re under the age of 10, every pound of fat on your body is equivalent to 10 pounds of lean muscle.  The fatter you are, the stronger you are.  Of course, once you break the age of 10 this rule no longer applies.  But while you’re young, you want to be as wide as you are tall.  That’s just a fact.

Side Note: It’s strange how some fat children are super-confident and other fat kids are shy because of their fatness.

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FYI – Hank Azaria was the dude who banged Stiller’s wife in Along Came Polly

I actually could easily decide, I hate Papelbon’s face more.  And it makes me happy in a sick way that he blew 8 saves last year and had a 3.90 ERA.  If I was given a gun with (2) bullets, and then trapped in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Papelbon; I would shoot Papelbon twice.  He’s a washed-up, egotistical child who would rape your cat just to save his career.  Peirce on the other hand was stabbed 11 times in the face, neck, and back and had a bottle smashed over his head.

**That was the worst use of ‘on the other hand’ in the history on people using ‘on the other hand’.

New Orleans – The New Orleans Police said in a press release that Cage, who was “heavily intoxicated,” was taken into custody after he grabbed his wife’s arm and started hitting cars in a scuffle about whether the house they were standing in front of was the one they were renting.

Nick Cage was hitting cars in the middle of the night?  Why can’t my car ever get punched by Nick Cage in the middle of the night?  I mean what a treat that would be.  You think your Friday night is over, when all the sudden the actor, Nick Cage, starts drunkenly pounding on your car.  I’m so jealous that I need a beer.

Does anybody do this in real life?  Wear a tee shirt of their face?  I’m starting to think I might want to do this.  So fucking meta.

How pissed were Bristol and Myers when they partnered up with fucking Squibb.  I picture that the conversation went something like this:

Bristol: “Listen Meyers, the guy has a good company, and no debt.”

Meyers: “Fuck that Bristol, Squibb is weird.  You ever see the way he seals envelopes?  He stares at me as he licks the glue part.  It really creeps me out.”

Bristol: “Shhhut up.  Fucking Squibb is coming over here.”

Squibb: “Whatcha guys talkin’ about????”

I hate this guy’s outfit too, it is really fucking gay.  When he threw on that shirt he had to expect something like this was going to happen.  I mean, really extreme scenarios like this are what keep people at bay when it comes to self expression.  Chicks don’t go to restaurants with their tits & ass out because of the highly improbable risk that another woman will call her out and pull her hair.  And guys don’t wear guady/flamboyant outfits because of the very slight chance that they get called a fag and have a knife pulled on them.  I’m not going to lie, if I had that dudes tit structure I would want to wear the same shirt.  The more dudes your shirt pisses off, the more girls it’s going to attract.  But in reality I wouldn’t wear this shirt.  It’s just too risky, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

These highly improbable scenarios influence a lot of human behavior.  For instance, when I’m home I like to stand and wipe.  However, when I’m in a public bathroom I stay crouched down.  I don’t stand in public restrooms because of the highly unlikely possiblity that a stranger will see me standing through the crack in the door, and then annouce to the entire bathroom what I am doing.  And then when I leave the bathroom hit me with wet toilet paper and tell the world that I’m a standing wiper.  Now is that going to happen????  Probably not.  But I take the proper precautions against it, just like this guy should have done when choosing to wear a gay woman’s shirt.

My modem broke the other day, so I called Cablevision to hear their hours of operation.  While I am on hold, a pre-recorded message plays that says to me,

“If you are having problems with your remote control, or if your remote control is not working.  Open up the back compartment and make sure that there are batteries installed.”

It was followed up with,

“If your cable box is not turning on, make sure it is correctly plugged into an electrical outlet.”

The very fact that they played these messages instead of making you listen to a promotion, means that so many people call with these problems that it is more cost effective to just forfeit the advertising space in the name of eliminating thousands of customer service calls.  I’m thinking that something like 80% of all calls made to Cablevision have to do with batteries or plugs.

How do people this retarded even get the Cablevision phone number to begin with?  It’s not possible that they can use the internet to look it up, they are way too dumb.  So maybe they use 411????  Maybe they manage to hit 411 and tell the operator, “My ‘mote controlll ain’t none workin’ again.” Then the operator has the sense to transfer them to Cablevision?  Your guess is as good as mine.

France - Muslim woman says that she will not accept pressure from mosques or state over French ‘burqa ban’ that begins on 11 April.

France risked the wrath of the Islamic world on Tuesday by banning burqas and other full-body robes worn by some Muslim women, in a long-debated move that shows the depth of concern over the rise of Muslim culture in Europe.  Many complain that banning this outfit is full-blown religious intolerance, and will fight tooth and nail to keep the burquas on.

I have a question.  Can I walk around France in tighty whities?  Can thugs go into fancy restaurants with their pants on the ground?  Can hot french woman check out the Eiffel tower with their boobs out?  No they can’t.  They can’t because it is against the customs of the region.  It has nothing to do with religious intolerance.  Those burqas are just straight up creepy; nobody wants to look at burqas, just like nobody wants to look at the bulge in my tighty whities.  Those costumes look like they belong in a horror movie, something straight out of the wardrobe room of the movie Insidious.

I’ll tell you why these Muslim woman are fighting to keep their burqas on….because they are gross looking.  Even though the burquas are solely designed to oppress woman, these Muslims fight for their burqas just like butch looking feminists protest Hooters restaurants in America.  They don’t want to be judged based upon sex appeal so they fight to keep all woman clothed.  It’s like some bizarro-world feminist movement fighting to keep woman oppressed because they’re self conscious of their own looks.  I hope I am making sense.

Speaking of making sense, how hypocritical is the Islamic law?  They whine about France restricting personal freedoms.  But then if you draw a picture of the profit Mohammad you will have your life threatened.  Does the freedom of speech not fall into this category?

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