For the last time, this is not a rivalry.  Just like fire doesn’t have a rivalry with kindling.  Lawnmowers don’t have a rivalry with grass.  America doesn’t have a rivalry with Costa Rica.

AIDS doesn’t have a rivalry with white blood cells.  Turpentine doesn’t have a rivalry with water color paint.  Mick Jagger doesn’t have a rivalry with Chad Kroeger.

By the way, the best part about this clip is when the Office guy mouths out Baldwin’s “America doesn’t have a rivalry with Costa Rica” comment.  They infer that this is Baldwin’s go-to dis when trash talking.

*Thanks to Amir Haghshenas for the video

American Idol has been making me look like a goon recently.  When I see someone watching the show, I usually walk into the room and drop some impulsive commentary based on what I see on the screen.  And usually what I see on the screen is a smoking hot girl singing a sexy ballad.  So my natural comment becomes, “this girl is smoking hot“.  Which at the surface seems like a pretty standard comment.  But what you didn’t know (and what I didn’t know at the time), is that 90% of the girls on American Idol are pushing 14 years old.  This fucking show has made me out to look like a creepy goon 6 or 7 times.  It’s bad.  Sometimes I’ll fly up on a group watching Idol and be like “man look at this chicks fucking titties!!”  Then the people watching it will turn around and tell me with a nasty tone, “Ummm.  She’s 15 years old.”  I’m like ,”Okay.”  Then I walk out of the room with my head down.

However, recently I learned that one of the judges, Steve Tyler from Aerosmith, is a know pedophile.  In 1975, 27 year old Tyler convinced the parents of 14 year old groupie Julia Holcomb to sign over guardianship to him so that he could live with her in Boston.  They dated and did drugs together for three years. They eventually split up, not because of morale issues, but because of an unplanned pregnancy resulting in an abortion (source).  So fuck all you haters who call me an American Pedophidol for creeping on 16 year old hot chicks on the show.  The judge is more twisted than a Siamese twin’s spinal column.

Both accomplishments have been achieved exactly 18 times each.  Each feat requires an unparalleled volume of mental toughness and skill.  In the perfect baseball game, you have to retire 27 batters in a row, in a perfect bowling series, you have to roll 36 strikes in a row.  You’re going to think I’m a little out of line when I say this, but I think that the perfect bowling series is more prestigious than throwing a perfect game.  A perfect game is not a solo achievement; it is a function of a slumping opponent, a flawless fielding unit, and of course a great day on the hill.  However, with bowling, it’s you VS the pins.  You have to roll 36 times without leaving up ONE pin.  It’s like a pitcher throwing zero balls through his perfect game.  You have to read the oil patterns, drown out the crowd noise and roll for fucking glory.  It gives me the chills just thinking about it.

**They should change the rules in bowling so that you’re allowed to keep rolling in the 10th frame as long as you keep rolling strikes.  That would open the door for people to score 1000 points in one game.  There would always be a record to chase.  #mikemaresca

The month of April is a really bitchy woman.  Thinking it’s OK to just rain all over the place and get away with it because of the saying “April Showers”.  People let April push them around with rain, and then smile and say “well, April Showers…May Flowers”.  No, April showers because she is a bitch and doesn’t know when to stop showering.    Constantly throwing you 80 degree days and then changing the weather to 20 the next day.  Cock teasing the shit out of everybody.  I’ve spent one too many years convincing myself that I like her; I don’t like her.  She’s just another winter month disguised as a sexy summer month, I’m over it.

Summer is coming, so it’s about that time to get back to the gym.  But gym memberships can be expensive, and you may not always have the time to get down to the facility.  So don’t waste all your time and money on memberships, just follow these simple excersises and you’ll be toned in no time.  For your health.

Triceps

Full Squat

Assisted Squat

Back (Lats)

Work Your Core (Abs)

*If not for the Snake Charmer, I do not post this article.  There is just no plausible reason to get a blowjob this way except to strengthen your abs?

Talk about a burning-bush.

This ad is right to the fucking point.  A typical guy coming back from the Authority and taking licks with his fresh (-3) DeMarini bat at midnight.  I mean if that’s not youth baseball I don’t know what is.  They even had him overswing on the first pitch and send it 600 feet back.  A+ accuracy.

**I just watched this ten times in a row.  I laugh harder ever time.  I mean he really sends that first ball back for a ride; it’s probably the furthest he will ever hit a ball in his life.

Saying “It’s the Least I can do” is a polite answer to someone who thanks you, usually when you feel you should do more to help. But is that something that you really want to reveal to someone who is thanking you?   That you chose to reciprocate with the most minimal amount of effort possible?

It’s right up there with telling someone that ‘you could care less’. Telling someone you could care less opens up a potentially infinite range of caring levels. If you cared a lot about someone, you could care a lot less; if you cared a very little about someone, you could care less, if not at all.

So next time you make someone dinner, and thank them for cleaning their plate. If they repsond by saying “It’s the least I can do“. Stop in your tracks and ask them to do a little more. Seems a little bit it rude that they are doing the bare minimum and then rubbing it in your face. And if someone says they ‘could care less‘ about you, ask them how much less caring could they do. That way you could get an accurate feel for how much caring they are currently doing.

Is anyone else getting a healthy wiff of these new cellular commercials that talk about the 4G LTE network?  You know this stands for 4G LITE (LIGHT).  And as soon as their real 4G network comes out they are going to have commercials that say, our 4G network is 6x faster than our 4G LITE network was.  Fucking 4G LTE, it’s almost like they are starting to feel bad about selling people something and then upgrading it the next week.  So they are implying that if you are smart enough to add the ‘I’ in L’_'TE, you’ll know to hold off for a few months and buy the real deal.  For your technology.